Wake up and laugh

[aussie rod]

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

 "Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won't even be used.

The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350".

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes!" she said " He's got one hanging there!"

The boss said "Go back in and give him $3.50, he's  the window cleaner 

 

[aussie rod]

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
  The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
  The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
  The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
  The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
  He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
  The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
  The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.  Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

 Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.  Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

  Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.  
  'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
  The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.  'Who are you?' he asked him.
  'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.  
   'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
  'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
  'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
  The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bugars! '
 

 

 

[aussie rod]

AS THE SAYING GOES "THE LORD MOVES IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS" ! ! ! 

WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!

 Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding with morning, afternoon and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the cathouse was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about 'The power of prayer'.
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madame, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."  

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.  

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this darn case, but.............
 

it appears from the paperwork that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer,

and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bull#@t!" (Mount Vernon Times)