OLD FARMER

[aussie rod]

A plane crashed in the middle of rural Tennessee .  Panic  stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in  force.  When  they got there, the disaster was  clear.   The  aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering  in a tree line that bordered a  farm.   The  sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains  of anyone.   They  spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had  happened.   They  hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled,  panting and out of breath. " Did you see this terrible accident  happen?". "Yep. Sure did." the farmer mumbled unconcernedly,  cutting off the tractor's  engine. "Do you realize  that is the airplane of the President of the United  States ?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope.  They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them  all myself. Took me most of the morning.." "President Obama is  dead?" the sheriff shouted. "Well," the farmer grumbled,  restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't... But you know how  bad that sumbitch lies."

 

[aussie rod]

How Dry Is It In Texas?

A buddy out of Longview Tx.  said he'd killed a mosquito that was carrying a canteen.

A man in Dime Box Tx.  said the chicken farmers were giving the chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

In Lake Palestine Tx. , they caught a 20 lb catfish that had ticks on it!

But just this week, in Bryan Tx., a fire hydrant was seen bribing a dog.

It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

Now THAT's Dry!

 

[aussie rod]

Aussie Poem
 
The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams
 
He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."
 
The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.
He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.
 
He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam
 
The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.
 
She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.
 
The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away,
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But neither was he ready for what he was soon to see.
 
He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"
 
The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!
 

 

[aussie rod]

I  became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue  'Service' 
U.S. Postal  'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'  
Civil  'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows. BAM!!!  It all came into focus.  Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.  

You are now as enlightened as I am!

 

[aussie rod]

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The Old Farmers Prayer[/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Time just keeps moving on
Many years have come and gone
But I grow older without regret
My hopes are in what may come yet.[/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]On the farm I work each day
This is where I wish to stay
I watch the seeds each season sprout
From the soil as the plants rise out.[/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I study Nature and I learn
To know the earth and feel her turn
I love her dearly and all the seasons
For I have learned her secret reasons.[/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]All that will live is in the bosom of earth
She is the loving mother of all birth
But all that lives must pass away
And go back again to her someday.[/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]My life too will pass from Earth
But do not grieve, I say, there will be other birth
When my body is old and all spent
And my soul to heaven has went.[/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Please compost and spread me on this plain
So my body Mother Earth can claim
That is where I wish to be
Then Nature can nourish new life with me.[/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]So do not for me grieve and weep
I did not leave, I only sleep
I am with the soil here below
Where I can nourish life of beauty and glow.[/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Here I can help the falling rain
Grow golden fields of ripening grain
From here I can join the winds that blow
And meet the softly falling snow.[/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Here I can help the sun’s warming light
Grow food for birds of gliding flight
I can be in the beautiful flowers of spring
And in every other lovely thing.[/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]So do not for me weep and cry
I am here, [/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I do not die[/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]By MALCOLM BECK with ROBERT TATE [/font]

 

[aussie rod]

OLD FARMERS PRAYER -EndTitle-
 

-BeginPoem-An old farmer knelt one night to say his night time prayer to thank God for all the blessings He showered on him and for showing that he cared his shirt was faded blue and thin and his overalls had patches on both knees there was a hole in one pocket and he needed a new pair of boots but he seemed to be at ease Well he laid his head down gently upon that old feather bed he took a deep breath, and sighed a sigh and this is what he said Lord, if you up there, please hear me out cause I want you to hear me good I ain't good at saying this kind of stuff and you know I ain't but I've always tried to please you so iffin you ain't too busy would you take a couple of minutes and listen I want to thank ye for my good health and the good report from the doctor the other day you know I was worried I want to thank ye for my Sarah that's my good wife, dear Lord in case ye didn't know and she's been a good one for nearly fifty five years together we brung up eleven kids and they all be doing right good for themselves and I thank ye fer that Thank ye Lord for them thirty eight grand kids well they's only thirty seven now Jim, he got his self killed over there in Iraq a fighting fer them people that ain't thankful at all but ye know all about that, don't ye Lord I can almost see him now walking by them pearly gates, we sure do miss him Lord his Grand ma and me and his Ma and Pa Thank ye for our little home and this here old pleasant home stead It ain't much to some folks, but it shore is good enough fer us Hit's been home now fer nearly fifty years and I want yer to know, we've been happy here cause we know it came from you Thank ye for all, Sarah's good cookin' I been gettin' fatter'n a hog on it I don't believe they be anything she can't cook Iffen Lord, ye could just come down and taste it You'd know just what I mean Thank ye fer all that good food she canned this summer all lined up on the shelves in the shed and thank ye Lord fer the shed The garden came in good this summer it was enough fer us and enough fer us to share with our kids and our neighbors Thank ye Lord fer that rich black dirt that growed it and thank ye fer sending the rain, we shore was glad to see it but Lord, ye knowed that already Thank ye fer the field full of hay and the new spring calves Thank ye fer the milk cow and the old horse and thank ye Lord fer the old settin hen and all them biddies we'll have eggs and chicken fer a while I thank ye Lord fer that little old fishing hole and the woods that's filled with critters to eat thank ye fer that old double barreled shot gun and fer a sure fire aim to shoot 'em Thank ye fer the hogs and the smoke house full of fresh smoked meat and thanks fer the hogs we could sell so's we had the money to patch the roof on the old barn You shore been good to us Lord really good And when all our family gathers fer dinner on Sunday's thank ye fer all the laughter and the love Thank ye fer all the playing kids and the great grands on the way Oh, we be so proud of all them healthy youngins' My Sarah and me I'll ask a favor Lord for every one, if ye can spare it Please give every one of us a special blessing I ask this in Jesus name Amen And this one last thing, Lord I ask ye kindly and iffen ye see fit could ye help me git up off this here floor my old knees sure do get stiff here of late Thank ye Lord  ​

 

[aussie rod]

There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. A gay guy applied for the job and was hired. He turned out to be fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night went to town. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand, two-thirty, in came the hired hand. The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she asked.

"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as she asked.
"Now," she said, "Take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down.

Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!"

 

[aussie rod]

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large." Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look, "What, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

 

[aussie rod]

One day a salesman stopped by the Jammer Jones farm, knocked, and Jammer's wife Frannie came to the door.

"Is your husband home, Ma'am?" he asked.
"Sure is. He's over t'cow barn."
"Well, I have some important items to show him, Ma'am. Will I have any difficulty finding him?"
"Shouldn't...He's the one with the beard and mustache."

 

[aussie rod]

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

-----

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

-----

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.

"Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.

"Yeth." lisped the farmer.

Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

-----

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."

 

[aussie rod]

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."

 

[aussie rod]

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

-----

A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.

"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied.

A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.

"Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems." "Problems?" asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."

-----

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull." Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"