OLD FARMER

[aussie rod]

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.


Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'

Don't ever underestimate old guys.

 

[aussie rod]

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

 

[aussie rod]

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE. THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?" THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES." "I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER." THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH,

BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.   HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE. THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. . . THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE. "MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED. "WHAT?" SAID MARGE. "I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT." "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE? "HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED. "WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL" "I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN...!

 

[aussie rod]

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him “Where am I ?” The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You can't fool me, you're in that basket up there."

 

[aussie rod]

A farmer in Yorkshire sees a bloke drinking from his stream and shouts:
"Ey up cocker, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta frum theer, its full o hoss piss an cow shite."


The bloke says: "Sir, I am from Pakistan , can you be speaking clearer, and slower please."


The farmer replies: "If... you... use... two... hands... you... won't... spill... any."

 

[aussie rod]

A  farmer  named  Van  was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in   Limpopo  when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young  black  man in a n    Armani  suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the  farmer , 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

Van  looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..

Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the  farmer  and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says  Van .

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then  Van  says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

! The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're Julius Malema, head of the Youth League for the  ANC Party', says  Van .

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.', answered the  farmer . 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . Now give me back my dog.

 

[aussie rod]

An elderly man in Queensland  had owned a large farm for several years. 

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly  shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and pear trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with  glee. 

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women  skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile ...'

Some old men can still think fast!!!

 

[aussie rod]

A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus. 

'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm  fine?'asked the solicitor. 

Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '  

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'  

Angus said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into datrailer and I was drivin' down da road..... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine.

Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '  

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her  down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side.. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder.

By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you  feelin'?'  

'Now wot da flip would you say?'

 

[aussie rod]

Two Virginia rednecks are out hunting,  and as they are  walking along they come upon a huge hole  in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the  size of it. The  first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see  the bottom. I wonder how deep it is." The  second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit  bottom." The  first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and  see". So they pick it up and carry it over,  and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are  standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn  around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to  the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head  first. While  they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old  farmer walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers  didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did  you?"

The  first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out  of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and  jumped headfirst into this hole here!" The old  farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

 

[aussie rod]

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE

 

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

 

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

 

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

 

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matt er of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

 

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

 

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

 

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

 

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

 

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

 

[aussie rod]

A farmer's wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving her shepherd a drink. As she handed him his glass, she said it was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. "Weel, mistress," said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully, "It's very small for its age."

 

[aussie rod]

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of his old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first to the right, then to the  left.
  
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .
 
Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his cap on to a pile of hay.

"What on earth are you doing, Mick?" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the  livin  daylights out of me!" says an obviously embarrassed Mick. "But me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor!"

 

[aussie rod]

In summary‚ the police arrested Patrick Lawrence‚ 22 year old white male‚ in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. On Friday night.

On Monday‚ at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse‚ Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour‚ public indecency‚ and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop‚ 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside‚ and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road‚ picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose‚ cut a hole in it‚ and proceeded to satisfy his alleged�need.� 'Guess I was really�into�it‚ you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed‚� Lawrence �failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation‚ that's for sure‚' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to� Lawrence �and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached� Lawrence .
'I said‚ 'Excuse me sir‚ but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?
'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there‚ and then he looked me straight in the face and said...
'A pumpkin?� Shit .... Is it midnight already?'

This was in the� Washington �Post...the title of the article was 'Best Come Back Line Ever.'

 

[aussie rod]

You know there are so many TV channels, each one starved for new programs.   

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.

The interview went as follows:  

The lady reporter:   I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.    Can you offer any reason for this disease?  

The farmer stared at the reporter and said …

Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?

Reporter:  (obviously embarrassed):  Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?

Farmer:  Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?

Reporter:  Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?

Farmer:   I am getting to the point, Miss.  Just imagine, if I was playing with your t^& twice a day .... and only loving you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?


 

 

[aussie rod]

      The NSW Government and the NSW Greens were presenting an alternative to NSW Farmers for controlling the dingo   population.
 It seems that after years of the farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a more humane solution.
 
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled.
 
This was actually  proposed to the NSW Farmers and Graziers Association by the NSW Government and the NSW Greens. All of the farmers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
 
Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said,  "Son, I don't think you understand our problem.... those dingos ain't floving' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!"

Guess the same goes for wolves

 

[daveomak]

...

....

 

[rabbithutch]

Good 'uns, Rod!

Keep 'em comin' !

 

[aussie rod]

An Old Farmer's Advice:

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight
and bull-strong.

* Keep roos and bankers at a
distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a
John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner
than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a
grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't

never gonna happen anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best
answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get
older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't

botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a

rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever
have to deal with, watches you from

the mirror every mornin'.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a
lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot
easier than puttin' it back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some
influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

 

[aussie rod]

ANOTHER VERSION.

"Old  Farmer's Advice"      
“Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”    

“Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.”  

“Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”  

“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”

“Words that soak into your ears are whispered…....not yelled.”  

“Meanness don't just happen overnight.”  

“Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.”  

“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”  

“It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.”   

“You cannot unsay a cruel word.”  

“Every path has a few puddles.”  

“When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”   

“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”

“Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.”  

“Don't judge folks by their relatives.  

“Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.”  

“Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.”   

“Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.”   

“Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”   

“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.”  

“Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.   

“The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.”

“Always drink upstream from the herd.”

"Girls don't squat with spurs on"

"Boys don't piss into the wind."

"You will learn more listening than talking."

"Work hard, play hard, love well and be thnkful you can." 

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”  

“Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.”  

“If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.”  

“Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.”  

“Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.”

And.........................................   

         SOME DAYS ALL YOU CAN DO IS  SMILE AND WAIT FOR SOME KIND SOUL TO COME AND PULL YOUR BUTT OUT OF A BIND YOU HAVE GOT YOUR SELF INTO                            

 

[aussie rod]

A ROOSTER CALLED JACOB 
Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Jacob, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Jacob's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Jacob had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Jacob, he entered him in the Polokwane Country Fair and Jacob became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded Jacob the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well.

Clearly Jacob was a Pulletician in the making: Who else but a Pulletician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you perhaps know of a Pulletician called Jacob?