Discussion in 'Jokes' started by earache_my_eye, Apr 22, 2008.

  1. Last weekend, I saw something at Larry's Pistol &
    Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
    looking for a little something extra for my wife
    Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
    pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser
    were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
    adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her
    adequate time to retreat to safety.

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
    home. I loaded 2 triple-A batteries in the darn
    thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
    I was disappointed. I learned, however,
    that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against
    a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the
    blue arch of electricity darting back and forth
    between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what
    that burn spot is on the face of her microwave!

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
    thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with
    only 2 triple-A batteries, right?! !

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
    intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
    directions and thinking that I really needed to try
    this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I
    must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
    fraction of a second) and thought better of it.
    She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
    this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
    I did want some assurance that it would work as
    advertised. Am I wrong???

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
    with my reading glasses perched delicately on
    the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand
    and taser in another.

    The directions said that a 1-second burst would
    shock and disorient your assailant;
    a 2-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
    spasms and a major loss of bodily control;
    a 3-second burst would reportedly make your
    assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
    water. Any burst longer than 3 seconds would
    be wasting the batteries.
    All the while I'm looking at this little device
    measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch
    in circumference -- pretty cute really and
    (loaded with 2 itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)
    thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description,
    but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone,
    Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
    one side as if to say, 'don't do it, dumbass,'
    reasoning that a 1-second burst from such a tiny
    little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided
    to give myself a 1-second burst just for heck of it.
    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed
    the button and...


    I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the
    sidedoor, picked me up in the recliner,
    then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
    over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my
    side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking
    wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
    with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
    position and tingling in my legs!

    The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I
    had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking
    to herself, 'Do it again, stupid, do it again!'

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself
    with a taser, 1 note of caution: there is no such thing as a
    1-second burst when you zap yourself!
    You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
    hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A 3-second burst
    would be considered conservative.

    SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!!
    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
    relative thing at that point),
    I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up
    and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses
    were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??
    My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
    still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
    with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 pounds.

    I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a
    significant reward for their safe return!!

    P. S.
    My wife loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
    If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.
  2. Tooooo funny ...... not the whole you rolling on the floor in pain thing. Just that i could see myself doing exactly the same [​IMG] . Should i ever buy one then i'll remember this story and think twice !!!!
  3. rtom

    rtom SMF Premier Member

    very funny I 'm sorry for your pain but it is very very funny
    little triple A's!!
  4. hehehe, thanks for starting my day out with a laugh ![​IMG]
  5. Be thankful it didn't run on D cells.
  6. Made my day!! almost woak the wifee up laughin. and the redneck says
    WATCH THIS I think I would too
  7. Nice eric!
  8. lol............Just think what the ones the cops use are like?............ I know some people in law enforcement here and they say they would rather be sprayed with oc spray (pepper spray) then be shot with the tazers.......Just a side note they all have to be shot or sprayed with both in order to use them.............

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