# 07  april/may/june



## larry maddock (Apr 18, 2007)

*[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Like Mother, Like          Daughter[/font]*
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A young lady comes          home from a date, rather sad. Her mother asks, "What's the matter,          honey"? [/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Anthony proposed to me          an hour ago."[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Then why are          you so sad"? [/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Because he's an atheist.          Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell!"[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Marry him anyway,          dear. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is!"[/font]


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## crazzycajun (Apr 18, 2007)

thats funny like a guy i know says ive beeen married so long i don't look both wasys before entering traffic


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## pigcicles (Apr 18, 2007)

... and I thought I was the only one that did that!


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## larry maddock (Apr 26, 2007)

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]One Sunday morning,          the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring          up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags          mounted on either side of it.[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The seven-year-old          had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up,          stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Good morning,          Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what          is this"? he asked.[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The pastor said, "Well,          son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Soberly, they just stood together,          staring at the large plaque.[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Finally, little Alex's          voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service?          The 8:30 or the 10:45"?[/font]


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## tonto1117 (Apr 26, 2007)

Lol.
	

	
	
		
		



		
			






  Great one Larry!!


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## larry maddock (Apr 26, 2007)

The value of getting a second opinion.!!!


 Dr. visit



When Joe went to the doctor about his headaches,
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your 
headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare 
condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure 
creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to 
remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live 
for.He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time 
in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. 
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different 
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and ! thought, "That's what I need... a 
new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new 
suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 
long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a momen t and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 
neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new 
underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

! Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 
years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one 
hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
*Second Opinion - PRICELESS*


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## larry maddock (Apr 26, 2007)

HOW TO START EACH  DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
  1. Open a new file in your computer.
  2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton"
  3. Send it to the trash.
  4. Empty the trash.
  5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary  Rodham Clinton?"
  6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better.

  PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi.
	

	
	
		
		



		
		
	


	









:PDT_  Armataz_01_30:


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## larry maddock (May 18, 2007)

THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF  MY KIDS... 
A guy goes to the supermarket and  notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken  aback because he can't place where he knows her from. 

So he says,  "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of  my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been  unfaithful to his wife and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my  bachelor party that I made love to on the pool 
table with all my buddies  watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???" 
She looks  into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's  teacher."


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## larry maddock (May 23, 2007)

Wisdom of Larry, the Cable Guy
	

	
	
		
		



		
		
	


	




>
>1. A day without sunshine is like night.
>2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
>3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
>4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
>5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
>6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
>7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
>8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the 
cheese in 
>the trap.
>9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
>10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
>11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
>12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
>13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis?
>Raise my hand.
>14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
>15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
>16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
>17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
>18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
>19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
>20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
>21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the 
hell 
>happened?"
>22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
>23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear 
bright 
>until you hear them speak.
>24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of 
jalapenos. 
>What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow


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## larry maddock (May 25, 2007)

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*Out          of Gas*[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Sister Mary, who worked          for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound          patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station          was just a block away.[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]She walked to the          station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that          the only gas can he owned had been lent out, but she could wait until          it was returned.[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Since the nun was          on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to          her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with          gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Always resourceful,          she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas and carried          the full bedpan back to her car.[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]As she was pouring          the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of          the them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning          Catholic."
	

	
	
		
		



		
		
	


	



[/font]


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## larry maddock (Jun 1, 2007)

Do It Yourself

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: You don't want to try these techniques at home.

"Why not"? asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day, I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once'"?

"Did it save time"? the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now, I do it in seven."


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## larry maddock (Jun 4, 2007)

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*Diet          Foods*[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A dietitian was once          addressing a large audience in Chicago. [/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"The material          we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here,          years ago. 

        Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food          is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous and none of us realize          the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. 

        But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have          or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the          most grief and suffering for years after eating it"? 

        A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
	

	
	
		
		



		
		
	


	



[/font]


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## chris_harper (Jun 5, 2007)

re: diet foods. that was a good one, larry.


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## larry maddock (Jun 19, 2007)

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Pearland, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.

[font=Times New Roman, Times] 
[/font]
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

[font=Times New Roman, Times] 
[/font]
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

[font=Times New Roman, Times] 
[/font]
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Cowboy. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."


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## hawgheaven (Jun 19, 2007)

ROFLMAO!!!!!

Good one Larry!


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## larry maddock (Jun 28, 2007)

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"   His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.   Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."


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## larry maddock (Jun 29, 2007)

*[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Too          Long to Wait[/font]*
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A customer sent an          order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal          of money.[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The distributor noticed          that the previous bill hadn't been paid, so the collections manager left          a voicemail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until          you pay for the last one." [/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The next day, the          collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel          the order. We can't wait that long." 
	

	
	
		
		



		
		
	


	



[/font]


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## droopydrawers (Jun 29, 2007)

A life long avowed atheist was hiking through the woods and heard a noise in the bushes. Curious, the atheist quietly moves through the bushes and startles a huge grizzly bear eating some berries. The atheist screams, turns and runs. After some yards, he turns and is horrified to see the bear chasing him. The atheist runs even faster but a minute later he sees the bear is getting closer. Running for dear life, the atheist is beginning to tire and feels the bear's hot breath on his neck. Finally the atheist trips over a tree root, stumbles and falls and in a heartbeat the bear is on top of him. As the huge bear raises his mighty paw to rip out the mans throat, the atheist screams "Oh, God dont let him kill me". Instantly the bear freezes in motion, the sounds of the forest are silent and the atheist is dumbfounded. Then he hears the voice of God, "How dare you! You who have denied my existence your entire life, preached your godless ways to others. How dare you now beg me to save your life! What do you have to say for yourself?" The atheist catches his breath and responds, "God, you are absolutely right. It would be terribly hypocritical of me to ask for your help now after all I have done and said in my life". God is surprised and says, "Well, at least at the end you will die an honest man". The atheist thinking quickly, says "Wait. Although I dont deserve your salvation, perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?" God thinks about this then agrees "So be it". Immediately the atheist again hears the sounds of forest around him and looking up he sees the bear come alive again. However, instead of slashing the atheist, the bear brings his razor claws together, drops to his knees and says "Oh Lord, we thank you for these gifts we are about to receive....."


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## larry maddock (Jun 29, 2007)

*Two hillbillies walk into a Dairy        Queen.  While having a couple of Blizzards, they talk privately about        their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, eating a        Coney Dog, begins to cough.  After awhile, it becomes apparent that        she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,        "Kin ya swallar?"  The woman shakes her head no, "Kin ya        breathe?"  The woman begins to turn blue, eyes widen and shakes her        head no. The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the back of her        dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a        long lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent        spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.  She begins to        breath again. The hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.  His        buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I        ain't never seed nobody do it."*


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## smokemaster (Jul 1, 2007)

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as
 they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his
 physician and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any
 more children.

 The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy
 that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly
 alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb,
 light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and
 count to 10."

 The hillbilly said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in
 the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can
 next to my ear is going to help me."

 "Trust me," said the doctor.

 So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
 held the can up to his ear and began to count!

 "1"

 "2"

 "3"

 "4"

 "5"

 (you'll love this...)



 At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
 continued counting on his other hand.


 This procedure also works in Tennessee, Alabama, Louisiana, Arkansas,
Georgia, Mississippi, Missouri, Florida, West Virginia and
     Washington, DC


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## larry maddock (Apr 18, 2007)

*[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Like Mother, Like          Daughter[/font]*
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A young lady comes          home from a date, rather sad. Her mother asks, "What's the matter,          honey"? [/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Anthony proposed to me          an hour ago."[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Then why are          you so sad"? [/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Because he's an atheist.          Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell!"[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Marry him anyway,          dear. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is!"[/font]


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## crazzycajun (Apr 18, 2007)

thats funny like a guy i know says ive beeen married so long i don't look both wasys before entering traffic


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## pigcicles (Apr 18, 2007)

... and I thought I was the only one that did that!


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## larry maddock (Apr 26, 2007)

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]One Sunday morning,          the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring          up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags          mounted on either side of it.[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The seven-year-old          had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up,          stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Good morning,          Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what          is this"? he asked.[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The pastor said, "Well,          son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Soberly, they just stood together,          staring at the large plaque.[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Finally, little Alex's          voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service?          The 8:30 or the 10:45"?[/font]


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## tonto1117 (Apr 26, 2007)

Lol.
	

	
	
		
		



		
			






  Great one Larry!!


----------



## larry maddock (Apr 26, 2007)

The value of getting a second opinion.!!!


 Dr. visit



When Joe went to the doctor about his headaches,
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your 
headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare 
condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure 
creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to 
remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live 
for.He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time 
in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. 
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different 
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and ! thought, "That's what I need... a 
new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new 
suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 
long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a momen t and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 
neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new 
underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

! Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 
years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one 
hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
*Second Opinion - PRICELESS*


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## larry maddock (Apr 26, 2007)

HOW TO START EACH  DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
  1. Open a new file in your computer.
  2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton"
  3. Send it to the trash.
  4. Empty the trash.
  5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary  Rodham Clinton?"
  6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better.

  PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi.
	

	
	
		
		



		
		
	


	









:PDT_  Armataz_01_30:


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## larry maddock (May 18, 2007)

THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF  MY KIDS... 
A guy goes to the supermarket and  notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken  aback because he can't place where he knows her from. 

So he says,  "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of  my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been  unfaithful to his wife and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my  bachelor party that I made love to on the pool 
table with all my buddies  watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???" 
She looks  into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's  teacher."


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## larry maddock (May 23, 2007)

Wisdom of Larry, the Cable Guy
	

	
	
		
		



		
		
	


	




>
>1. A day without sunshine is like night.
>2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
>3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
>4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
>5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
>6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
>7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
>8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the 
cheese in 
>the trap.
>9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
>10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
>11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
>12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
>13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis?
>Raise my hand.
>14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
>15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
>16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
>17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
>18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
>19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
>20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
>21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the 
hell 
>happened?"
>22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
>23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear 
bright 
>until you hear them speak.
>24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of 
jalapenos. 
>What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow


----------



## larry maddock (May 25, 2007)

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*Out          of Gas*[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Sister Mary, who worked          for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound          patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station          was just a block away.[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]She walked to the          station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that          the only gas can he owned had been lent out, but she could wait until          it was returned.[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Since the nun was          on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to          her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with          gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Always resourceful,          she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas and carried          the full bedpan back to her car.[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]As she was pouring          the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of          the them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning          Catholic."
	

	
	
		
		



		
		
	


	



[/font]


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## larry maddock (Jun 1, 2007)

Do It Yourself

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: You don't want to try these techniques at home.

"Why not"? asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day, I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once'"?

"Did it save time"? the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now, I do it in seven."


----------



## larry maddock (Jun 4, 2007)

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*Diet          Foods*[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A dietitian was once          addressing a large audience in Chicago. [/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"The material          we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here,          years ago. 

        Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food          is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous and none of us realize          the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. 

        But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have          or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the          most grief and suffering for years after eating it"? 

        A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
	

	
	
		
		



		
		
	


	



[/font]


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## chris_harper (Jun 5, 2007)

re: diet foods. that was a good one, larry.


----------



## larry maddock (Jun 19, 2007)

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Pearland, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.

[font=Times New Roman, Times] 
[/font]
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

[font=Times New Roman, Times] 
[/font]
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

[font=Times New Roman, Times] 
[/font]
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Cowboy. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."


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## hawgheaven (Jun 19, 2007)

ROFLMAO!!!!!

Good one Larry!


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## larry maddock (Jun 28, 2007)

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"   His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.   Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."


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## larry maddock (Jun 29, 2007)

*[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Too          Long to Wait[/font]*
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A customer sent an          order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal          of money.[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The distributor noticed          that the previous bill hadn't been paid, so the collections manager left          a voicemail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until          you pay for the last one." [/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The next day, the          collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel          the order. We can't wait that long." 
	

	
	
		
		



		
		
	


	



[/font]


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## droopydrawers (Jun 29, 2007)

A life long avowed atheist was hiking through the woods and heard a noise in the bushes. Curious, the atheist quietly moves through the bushes and startles a huge grizzly bear eating some berries. The atheist screams, turns and runs. After some yards, he turns and is horrified to see the bear chasing him. The atheist runs even faster but a minute later he sees the bear is getting closer. Running for dear life, the atheist is beginning to tire and feels the bear's hot breath on his neck. Finally the atheist trips over a tree root, stumbles and falls and in a heartbeat the bear is on top of him. As the huge bear raises his mighty paw to rip out the mans throat, the atheist screams "Oh, God dont let him kill me". Instantly the bear freezes in motion, the sounds of the forest are silent and the atheist is dumbfounded. Then he hears the voice of God, "How dare you! You who have denied my existence your entire life, preached your godless ways to others. How dare you now beg me to save your life! What do you have to say for yourself?" The atheist catches his breath and responds, "God, you are absolutely right. It would be terribly hypocritical of me to ask for your help now after all I have done and said in my life". God is surprised and says, "Well, at least at the end you will die an honest man". The atheist thinking quickly, says "Wait. Although I dont deserve your salvation, perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?" God thinks about this then agrees "So be it". Immediately the atheist again hears the sounds of forest around him and looking up he sees the bear come alive again. However, instead of slashing the atheist, the bear brings his razor claws together, drops to his knees and says "Oh Lord, we thank you for these gifts we are about to receive....."


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## larry maddock (Jun 29, 2007)

*Two hillbillies walk into a Dairy        Queen.  While having a couple of Blizzards, they talk privately about        their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, eating a        Coney Dog, begins to cough.  After awhile, it becomes apparent that        she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,        "Kin ya swallar?"  The woman shakes her head no, "Kin ya        breathe?"  The woman begins to turn blue, eyes widen and shakes her        head no. The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the back of her        dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a        long lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent        spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.  She begins to        breath again. The hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.  His        buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I        ain't never seed nobody do it."*


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## smokemaster (Jul 1, 2007)

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as
 they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his
 physician and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any
 more children.

 The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy
 that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly
 alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb,
 light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and
 count to 10."

 The hillbilly said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in
 the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can
 next to my ear is going to help me."

 "Trust me," said the doctor.

 So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
 held the can up to his ear and began to count!

 "1"

 "2"

 "3"

 "4"

 "5"

 (you'll love this...)



 At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
 continued counting on his other hand.


 This procedure also works in Tennessee, Alabama, Louisiana, Arkansas,
Georgia, Mississippi, Missouri, Florida, West Virginia and
     Washington, DC


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