# birds and the bees.



## aussie rod (Dec 10, 2012)

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 5-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, taking in the whole event.
The man thought, "Oh, this is just great... he's only 5 and I'm going to have to start explaining all about the birds and the bees. I won't jump the gun though... I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his young son and said, "Well, son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one, Daddy," gasped the still wide-eyed young boy. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"


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## aussie rod (Dec 10, 2012)

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."


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## aussie rod (Dec 10, 2012)

Two storks are sitting in their nest - a father stork and baby stork.
The baby stork is crying so the father stork is trying to calm him.
"Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing
people babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are
sitting in the nest, and the baby stork is crying again. The mother
says,
"Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's
bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate because their son
has been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he
returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.
The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"


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## aussie rod (Dec 10, 2012)

Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer.
One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says
to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to
impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a big nail into the
two-by-four over the cow's stall. You show him where it is."
The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination
man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she
sees the nail.
She says, "This is the one, right here."
The man says, "How do you know?"
Amy says, "By the nail over its stall."
The man says, "What's the nail for?"
Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."


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## aussie rod (Dec 10, 2012)

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject
turned to getting older. The first guy said "Women have all the luck
when it comes to getting older."
"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.
"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I got
aroused in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"
"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.
"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd
get these terrible headaches." he answered. "Now that we're older, she
hasn't had a headache in years."


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## aussie rod (Dec 10, 2012)

One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying
by the side of the walk.
Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it
in his pocket and proceeded on his way.
Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a
beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.
"What do you have in your pocket?", she asked.
"Tennis ball,? the man said smiling back.
"Wow," said the blond looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had
tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"


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## aussie rod (Dec 10, 2012)

The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church
lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can
tell the biggest lie about their sex life."
"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I
never even thought about sex."
In unison they all replied, "You win!"


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## aussie rod (Dec 10, 2012)

A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told
him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to
be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab.
Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman
asked "Did I just see you swallow something?"
"Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver.
"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.
"Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was screwed."


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## aussie rod (Dec 10, 2012)

Old man sitting on his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise
sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."
The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says, "Catch some chickens."
The old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with
chicken wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's
surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30
chickens caught in it.
At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the
sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round
in his hand.
The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."
The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says back, "Catch me some ducks."
The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with
duck tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old
man's amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck
tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by
carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
The old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy says, "It's a pussy willow."
The old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat."


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## aussie rod (Dec 10, 2012)

A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: "I got a hot date tonight,
an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' dem rubbers gonna
cost me?"
The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
To which the redneck replies: "TACKS! Gawd a' mighty, don't they stay
on by themselves."


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## aussie rod (Dec 10, 2012)

One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told
Adam that it was time to populate the Earth.
"Adam, you can start by kissing Eve."
"Lord, what is a kiss?" asked Adam.
God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her.
A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord!
That was great! What's next?"
"Adam, I now want you to caress Eve."
"Lord, what is caress?" asked Adam.
God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her.
A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord
that was even better than a kiss! What's next?"
"Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve."
"Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam.
God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush.
A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a
headache?"


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## aussie rod (Dec 11, 2012)

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to
walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men
use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in
health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks,
"Why are there three in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one
for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are
these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for
Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a
12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for
January, one for February, one for March."


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## aussie rod (Dec 11, 2012)

The man was in a hurry to board the airplane and didn't have time to
do the paperwork to get his little doggie on board. So the man stashed
the puppy down the front of his pants and snuck him on to the plane.
About 30 minutes into the flight, a stewardess noticed that the man
was squirming in his seat.
"Are you OK, mister?" the stewardess asked.
"Yes, I'm fine," said the man.
Time went by and again the stewardess noticed strange movements.
"Are you sure you're all right, sir?"
"Yes," the man insisted, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't
have time to do the paperwork to bring my puppy on board, so I hid him
down the front of my pants."
"I see," the stewardess said. "Well, as long as he's housebroken, I
guess it will be OK."
"Oh, he's housebroken," the man replied. "The problem is, he's not
weaned yet!"


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## aussie rod (Dec 11, 2012)

An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a
prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many
do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."
The doctor said, "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them for
sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far
enough so I don't pee on my shoes."


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## aussie rod (Dec 11, 2012)

One day an elderly man decided that since he had never fathered any
children that he would make a deposit to the local sperm bank. At the
sperm bank a young doctor gave the man a jar and told him to go into
the bathroom and put his deposit in it.
After what seemed like a long time the young doctor began to worry
about the elderly man so he went to the bathroom door and knocked and
ask if he was all right. No answer came from beyond the door so the
doctor opened the door finding the elderly man breathing hard and
sweating.
The Dr. asks, "Are you OK!"
The elderly man replied, "Son, it is not as easy as it use to be. I
have slapped it, spit on it and beat it on the wall. I even ran hot
water on it, I ran cold water on it and I can't get the lid off this
jar to save my life!"


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## aussie rod (Dec 11, 2012)

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday
afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to
send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the
neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s
riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled
father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.


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## aussie rod (Dec 11, 2012)

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says,
"Okay, Mrs. Smith, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Lynda. She keeps getting these
cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Lynda a good examination, then turns to the mother
and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Lynda is
pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been
left alone with a man! Have you, Lynda?"
Lynda says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About
five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something
wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time
anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three
wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it
this time!"


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## aussie rod (Dec 11, 2012)

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home
from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long
cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a
few more drinks and went happily to bed.
At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked
an elderly lady's voice.
"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"
"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats
on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to
sleep. What can I do about it?"
There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently
replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"
"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"
"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"


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