# Hilarious!



## earache_my_eye (Apr 22, 2008)

Last weekend, I saw something at  Larry's Pistol &
Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.  The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little  something extra for my wife
Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,  
 pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser
were supposed to be  short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her  
 adequate time to retreat to safety. 
 WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought  it
home. I loaded 2 triple-A batteries in the darn 
 thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
 I was disappointed. I learned, however,
that if I pushed the button AND  pressed it against 
 a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the
blue arch of electricity  darting back and forth
between the prongs.  AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately,  I have yet to explain to Julie what
that burn spot is on the face of her  microwave!

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to  myself that it couldn't be all that bad with 
 only 2 triple-A batteries, right?! !

There I sat in my recliner, my  cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading  the
directions and thinking that I really needed to try 
 this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I
must admit I  thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better  of it. 
 She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give 
 this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, 
 I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised.    Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with  my reading glasses perched delicately on 
 the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand
and taser in  another.

The directions said that a 1-second burst would
shock and  disorient your assailant; 
 a 2-second burst was supposed to cause muscle 
 spasms and a major loss of bodily control; 
 a 3-second burst would reportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground  like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than 3 seconds would 
 be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little  device
measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch 
 in circumference -- pretty cute really and
(loaded with 2 itsy, bitsy  triple-A batteries)
thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What  happened next is almost beyond description, 
 but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, 
 Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as if to say, 'don't  do it, dumbass,'
reasoning that a 1-second burst from such a tiny 
 little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided 
 to give myself a 1-second burst just for heck of it. 
 I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed 
 the button and...

*HOLY MOTHER OF GOD,* WEAPONS OF  MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through  the
sidedoor, picked me up in the recliner, 
 then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and 
 over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my
side in the fetal  position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking 
 wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, 
 with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest 
 position and tingling in my legs!

The cat was standing over me  making meowing sounds I
had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly  thinking
  to herself, 'Do it again, stupid, do it again!'

Note: If you  ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself
with a taser, 1 note of caution: there  is no such thing as a
1-second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not  let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent  thrashing about on the floor. A 3-second burst 
 would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **%  !!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at  that point), 
 I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up
and surveyed the  landscape. My bent reading glasses
were on the mantel of the fireplace. How  did they get up there?? 
 My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were 
 still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
with Novocain,  and my bottom lip weighed 88 pounds.

I'm still looking for my testicles!  I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S.
My  wife loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think  Education is difficult, try being  stupid.


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## teeotee (Apr 23, 2008)

Tooooo funny ...... not the whole you rolling on the floor in pain thing. Just that i could see myself doing exactly the same 
	

	
	
		
		



		
			






 . Should i ever buy one then i'll remember this story and think twice !!!!


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## rtom (Apr 23, 2008)

very funny I 'm sorry for your pain but it is very very funny
little triple A's!!


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## capt dan (Apr 23, 2008)

hehehe, thanks for starting my day out with a laugh !


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## domn8_ion (Apr 23, 2008)

Be thankful it didn't run on D cells.


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## tj's_corner (Apr 23, 2008)

Made my day!!  almost woak the wifee up laughin.  and the redneck says
WATCH THIS     I think I would too


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## travcoman45 (Apr 23, 2008)

Nice eric!


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## kookie (Apr 24, 2008)

lol............Just think what the ones the cops use are like?............ I know some people in law enforcement here and they say they would rather be sprayed with oc spray (pepper spray) then be shot with the tazers.......Just a side note they all have to be shot or sprayed with both in order to use them.............


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