# Today's Lesson, the Blues!



## sawhorseray

*If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the why and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:*
1. Most Blues songs begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of like: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues lyric is not about choice: 'You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain't no way out'.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, Prius or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die!

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Portland, Minneapolis or Seattle is just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and Nawlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that
don't get rain, like Palm Springs.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause you were walking a coastal trail is not the Blues.  Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping' on it is!

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. horse back riding
d. golf courses

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it'.

13.Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people that can entertain such as Mick Jagger, also got a leg up on the Blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Tea
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a run down shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.

So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. Also eating a tuna fish sam'idge. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match, being a paper pusher, or while getting liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

18. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

20. Blues Name Starter Kit:

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)

b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)

c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi."LOL!)

21. And I don't care how tragic your life is, if anyone in your family plays soccer, you can't sing the blues.


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## chopsaw

"I gave her 7 children now she wants to give 'em back "


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## 912smoker

I agree 'cause I have the "Statesboro Blues " and I'm older than dirt  lol
Good one RAY !


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## fxsales1959

HellHound on my trail.  (not X-wife)


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## sawhorseray

chopsaw said:


> "I gave her 7 children now she wants to give 'em back "



That'd be BB Rich, my all-time favorite, saw over 30 shows live. The best was in 1972, Galaxy Ballroom in East Oakland, electrician buddy took me, not many white faces in the crowd  that I could see. BB played for over two hours, place smelled like weed!

B.B. King - How Blue Can You Get (Live at Farm Aid 1985) - YouTube


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## tx smoker

That is hilarious Ray and oh so true. Thanks for the chuckle my friend. I kinda needed that.

Robert


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## 912smoker

chopsaw said:


> "I gave her 7 children now she wants to give 'em back "


And now I got the blues...


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## tx smoker

chopsaw said:


> "I gave her 7 children now she wants to give 'em back "



"If the phone don't ring you know it's me"

Robert


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## 912smoker

"They call it stormy Monday
but Tuesday's  just as bad "


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## tx smoker

912smoker said:


> "They call it stormy Monday
> but Tuesday's just as bad "



"It's hard to kiss the lips at night that chewed your ass out all day long"

Maybe not....
Robert


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## RichGTS

This is gold! Thanks for the laugh


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## uncle eddie

Haha...what a nice little break from work.  Thanks for posting Ray!


How can I miss you, if you won't go away...


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## bbqbrett

I woke up this mornin but this day just ain't no good
woke up this mornin but this day it just ain't no good
Went to light up the smoker and I'm all out of wood

Dyin for some bar-be-que, I really need a taste
gotta have some bar-be-que, I really need a taste
but that no good woman of mine
used all my hickory in the fireplace

Does that qualify for blues?


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## chopsaw

sawhorseray said:


> That'd be BB Rich, my all-time favorite,


I know . Me too . First time you posted about seeing him in concert my thought was Wow ! I need to dig out my CD's and put some on my phone . 
10 dollar dinner , Thanks for the snack . Lol classic .


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## tx smoker

bbqbrett said:


> Does that qualify for blues?



I'd certainly say that it does but you didn't name the artist who performed it   

This might be interesting....
Robert


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## smokeymose

"Woke up this morning, found an egg in my bed..."
I know, that's Dylan. Sorry.


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## chopsaw

Woke up this morning
right on the dime
first day all week I made work on time
wasn't there long ,
started to feel blue
seems showin up ain't good enough
they want me to work too .


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## WaterRat

Good stuff!


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## flatbroke

bbqbrett said:


> I woke up this mornin but this day just ain't no good
> woke up this mornin but this day it just ain't no good
> Went to light up the smoker and I'm all out of wood
> 
> Dyin for some bar-be-que, I really need a taste
> gotta have some bar-be-que, I really need a taste
> but that no good woman of mine
> used all my hickory in the fireplace
> 
> Does that qualify for blues?


Is there a two drink minimum?  That was pretty good


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## flatbroke

chopsaw said:


> Woke up this morning
> right on the dime
> first day all week I made work on time
> wasn't there long ,
> started to feel blue
> seems showin up ain't good enough
> they want me to work too .


I liked this one two


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## sawhorseray

chopsaw said:


> Woke up this morning
> right on the dime
> first day all week I made work on time
> wasn't there long ,
> started to feel blue
> seems showin up ain't good enough
> they want me to work too .



Had this CD in my truck without removing it for a year Rich, listen to it every time, one of the best! Played this one at the Galaxy Ballroom show, brought down the house. RAY

Gamblers Blues BB King Blues is King.wmv - YouTube

Here's another that a lot of folks never got to hear. The B not only played it, best blues singer ever.

B.B. King "Baby Get Lost" (1967) - YouTube


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## MJB05615

Great stuff Ray.  All of the BB King is excellent too.  Haven't heard his music in years.  Thanks for all of the info.


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## JLeonard

Some of the best BBQ I've ever eaten was at Abe's BBQ in Clarksdale, MS. Right on the corner of Hiways 49 and 61 in the heart of the Mississippi Delta. Right were Robert Johnson supposedly sold his soul to the devil. Also Clarksdale is home to  the Blues Museum. Well worth a stop (at both) if your cruising through, 
Jim


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## HalfSmoked

Cool post like it as well as some of the replies.

Warren


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## GaryHibbert

This is great, Ray.  Love the blues and this is a great description of them.
Gary


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## Colin1230

Great thread Ray! Love the Blues. B. B. King, John Mayall, Muddy Waters, Clapton and Joe Bonamassa are my favorites.


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## sawhorseray

Colin1230 said:


> Great thread Ray! Love the Blues. B. B. King, John Mayall, Muddy Waters, Clapton and Joe Bonamassa are my favorites.



Seen them all but for Muddy, went to the Fillmore West darned near every weekend late 60's early 70's. Saw led Zeppelin and Jethro Tull when they were low bill , that changed pretty fast. RAY


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## ofelles

I am so stealing this!


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## tx smoker

ofelles said:


> I am so stealing this!



I already did   

Robert


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## WeberBlackStoneYoder

sawhorseray said:


> *If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the why and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:*
> 1. Most Blues songs begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
> 
> 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
> 
> 3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of like: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."
> 
> 4. The Blues lyric is not about choice: 'You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain't no way out'.
> 
> 5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, Prius or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die!
> 
> 6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
> 
> 7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Portland, Minneapolis or Seattle is just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and Nawlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that
> don't get rain, like Palm Springs.
> 
> 8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause you were walking a coastal trail is not the Blues.  Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping' on it is!
> 
> 9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
> 
> 10. Good places for the Blues:
> a. highway
> b. jailhouse
> c. empty bed
> d. bottom of a whiskey glass
> 
> 11. Bad places for the Blues
> a. Nordstrom's
> b. gallery openings
> c. horse back riding
> d. golf courses
> 
> 12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it'.
> 
> 13.Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
> a. you're older than dirt
> b. you're blind
> c. you shot a man in Memphis
> d. you can't be satisfied
> 
> No, if:
> a. you have all your teeth
> b. you were once blind but now can see
> c. the man in Memphis lived
> d. you have a 401K or trust fund
> 
> 14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people that can entertain such as Mick Jagger, also got a leg up on the Blues.
> 
> 15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
> a. cheap wine
> b. whiskey or bourbon
> c. muddy water
> d. black coffee
> 
> The following are NOT Blues beverages:
> a. Tea
> b. Chardonnay
> c. Snapple
> d. Slim Fast
> 
> 16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a run down shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.
> 
> So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. Also eating a tuna fish sam'idge. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match, being a paper pusher, or while getting liposuction.
> 
> 17. Some Blues names for women:
> a. Sadie
> b. Big Mama
> c. Bessie
> d. Fat River Dumpling
> 
> 18. Some Blues names for men:
> a. Joe
> b. Willie
> c. Little Willie
> d. Big Willie
> 
> 19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
> 
> 20. Blues Name Starter Kit:
> 
> a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
> 
> b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
> 
> c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
> 
> For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi."LOL!)
> 
> 21. And I don't care how tragic your life is, if anyone in your family plays soccer, you can't sing the blues.


I personally love the Blues. That is one of the Dumbest FU ing  things I have read yet on this forum. Sorry just kind of struck a nerve with me. Peace out anyway.


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## 912smoker

As a semi retired bass player of 45 yrs (last band was a blues band), I appreciate this thread and the "jokes"  section.   Good thing the threads have a heading so I can move on it's not appealing to me ...just like the TV remote.


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## Colin1230

We not only like pics here at SMF, we like humor in big helpings.    Carry on.


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## sawhorseray

WeberBlackStoneYoder said:


> I personally love the Blues. That is one of the Dumbest FU ing  things I have read yet on this forum. Sorry just kind of struck a nerve with me. Peace out anyway.



That s one of the great things about the Jokes threads, if you don't  like them you don't have to read 'em! RAY


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## nchapelheel

We love the blues. Our favorite thing to do is go on the blues cruise every few years. Nothing but blues 18 hours a day from
famous blues musicians for a week. I overheard one guy say "this is the most fun you can have with your clothes on".
To quote BB, "when love comes to town, I'm gonna take that train".


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## Millberry

How come the shoes I bought you are now walking out on me


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## noboundaries

Couldn't resist. True blues greats are safe.

_Woke up this morning, her pillow was cold, 
She was too feisty, and I was too old.
My pension was pennies, she took every cent. 
The cash box was empty, but she left me the dent.
She's driving my Chevy, my heart's got a hole.
Not for my girl, that car strummed my soul.
Don't cry at my misery, I'm not at death's door,
The last laughs mine, I called the cops on that...wait...where's my dog?
_


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## HalfSmoked

Thanks for the like sawhorseray I appreciate.

Warren


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## bbqbrett

WeberBlackStoneYoder said:


> I personally love the Blues. That is one of the Dumbest FU ing  things I have read yet on this forum. Sorry just kind of struck a nerve with me. Peace out anyway.



I love the blues too.  Still thought it was pretty funny myself.


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## Millberry

sawhorseray said:


> Had this CD in my truck without removing it for a year Rich, listen to it every time, one of the best! Played this one at the Galaxy Ballroom show, brought down the house. RAY
> 
> Gamblers Blues BB King Blues is King.wmv - YouTube
> 
> Here's another that a lot of folks never got to hear. The B not only played it, best blues singer ever.
> 
> B.B. King "Baby Get Lost" (1967) - YouTube


damn sawhorseray---------------------------------------


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