# Tool Definitions



## ultramag (Dec 11, 2006)

Subject: True Tool Definitions

  a.  DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching 
 flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest 
 and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly 
 painted part you were drying.

  b.  WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.  Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

  c.  ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age

  d.  PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

  e.  HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board 
 principle.  It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable 
 motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

  f.  VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads.  If nothing else is 
 available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the 
 palm of your hand.

  g.  OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various 
 flammable objects in your shop on fire.  Also handy for igniting the 
 grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

  h.  WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating  that 9/16 or Â½ socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

  i.  HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

  j.  EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

  k.  TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

  l.  PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another 
 hydraulic floor jack.

  m.  SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.

  n.  E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

  o.  TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

 p. CRAFTSMAN Â½ x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

 q.  AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

 r.  TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," 
 which is not otherwise found under cars at night.  Health benefits aside, 
 it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is 
 somewhat misleading.

 s. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style 
 paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be  used, as 
 the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

 t. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds them off.

 u. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or 
 bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 v. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses Â½ inch too short.

 w. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the  object we are trying to hit.

 x. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of 
 cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats, chrome and plastic parts.


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## Dutch (Dec 20, 2006)

Chad, gave a copy of this to my son that's a mechanic. He took it to work and taped it to his locker. One of the gals that works in the office was reading it and was heard to comment "Oh so that's how they're used!!" 

Go figure!!


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## ultramag (Dec 21, 2006)

Thats whole joke in itself I think. Hopefully she was at least pretty.  :roll:


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## Dutch (Dec 24, 2006)

The guys in the shop, being politically correct refer to her as "the light haired female that's taken a major detour from the information super highway". :shock: :P


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