# The Bible according to kids.....(cute)



## earache_my_eye (Apr 5, 2008)

The 12  Opossums

The following is from a lady in  Oregon.  It is priceless! The Bible explained by  kids -
truth has been redefined!   One of our favorite jobs has been leading junior church.  
We try to do more than  Baby-sit our church's beloved little ankle-biters during their  
time in our special  junior church facility. We aim to give them a solid background
in biblical  history. At the end of each year, we give them pencils and paper and ask them to  chronicle what they have learned. This assignment never fails to elicit some  intriguing responses.
In case you're a little foggy on your biblical history,  let our junior church students help you with his
complete overview of the  Bible, compiled from their essays:

In the beginning, which occurred near  the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,  'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a lot older than that.  Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and  someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made  Eve.

Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because  mirrors hadn't been invented
yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one  bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.  Not sure what they were driven in  though, because they didn't have cars

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who  hated his brother as long as he was Abel.   Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who  lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was  Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a  large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people  to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check. ; ;  ;

After Noah ca me Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than his brother,  Esau,
because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another  important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led  the
Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the  evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues  included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights  every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His top ten commandments. These  include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's bottom (the  Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I'm not supposed to say. But my Dad uses  it sometimes when he talks about the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought of one  more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was  Joshua, who was the first Bible guy to use spies . Joshua fought
the battle  of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got  to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who  had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that  doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major  league prophets One of these was Jonah, who was
Swallowed by a big whale and  then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I  guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the  New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament.
He was born in  Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is  always saying to me, Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice  to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many  arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had  twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they  named a terrible vegetable after him


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## cman95 (Apr 5, 2008)

That is cute!!!


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## travcoman45 (Apr 5, 2008)

Those are cute!  Ain't it amazing what kids can come up with?  Who says they don't listen, they just don't put it in the same order we do!


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## earache_my_eye (Apr 5, 2008)

My favorite line was this one......

 Another  important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.


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