# More Monday Morning Humor - Lawyer Bashing!



## sawhorseray (Jul 21, 2020)

A salesman was testifying against his wife in a divorce court. His lawyer said: “Please describe the incident that caused you to suspect your wife is unfaithful.” The husband replied: “I’m on the road all week, so naturally when I’m home I like to be with my wife. *One Saturday* morning we were in the middle of some very heavy sex. Then the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled: “Can you at least stop all that noise on weekends?” 


 After the car accident, a large crowd gathered around. An enterprising young lawyer immediately saw a way to get rich, but could not force his way through the crowd. So seeing that he could lose a lot of money not getting a new client, he resorted to desperate measures and yelled: “Let me through! I am the son of the victim!” The crowd parted. Lying in front of the car was a donkey. 


A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” “I’m a chiropractor, and I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in line.” “Well, I’m a lawyer, but you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?” 


A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?” The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?” Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um, no.” The lawyer interrupts, “Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. “Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!” The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea.” On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”


----------



## flatbroke (Jul 21, 2020)

lol


----------



## MJB05615 (Jul 21, 2020)

LOL.  All funny.  Keep 'em coming.  We need to laugh, now more than ever, helps get through the day.

Mike


----------



## TNJAKE (Jul 21, 2020)

First one is hilarious...........btw it's Tuesday lol


----------



## tx smoker (Jul 21, 2020)

A police officer was testifying in court and was asked by the lawyer for the defense: "Do you trust your partner and your other fellow officers?" The officer replied "Yes I do". The lawyer then asked "How much do you trust them?". The officer replied "With my life".  The lawyer then asked if the officers had a locker room, to which the officer responded "Yes we do" so the lawyer asked if the officer on the stand had a locker there that he used and did he have a lock on it. The officer replied "Yes I do have a locker and there's a lock on it". The lawyer thought he'd found his break and asked the officer "If you trust your fellow officers with your life, why do you feel compelled to have a lock on your locker?"  The officer's response was "Because the part of the building where the locker room is located is shared with the court house and sometimes we have lawyers come through". The jury lost it....


----------



## sawhorseray (Jul 21, 2020)

TNJAKE said:


> First one is hilarious...........btw it's Tuesday lol



By God Jake you're right, it is! Part of being retired is not knowing, or caring, what day it is. The exception is wanting to make sure I know when it's the weekend so we'll know to stay home. RAY


----------



## GaryHibbert (Jul 24, 2020)

I love lawyer jokes!!
Gary


----------



## sawhorseray (Jul 24, 2020)

GaryHibbert said:


> I love lawyer jokes!! Gary



Hell Gary, that all you had to say, I can oblige that!

*The Blind Snake & Rabbit*​

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind. The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"


*First Client*​

After successfully passing the bar exam, a young lawyer started up his own practice. He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him.

"Show him right in!" our lawyer replied.

As Mr. Jones was being ushered in, our lawyer had an idea. He was very anxious to impress potential clients, so he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I am sorry, but my workload is so tremendous that I am not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I shall have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"

"Nothing," replied the man. "I am here to hook up your phone."



A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. All to no avail. Over an hour later, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.



*The Lawyer & the Inn Keeper's Daughter*​

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."


----------



## MJB05615 (Jul 24, 2020)

Very good.  The last 2 made me laugh out loud, or LOL for you kids out there.

Mike


----------



## sawhorseray (Jul 25, 2020)

The driver of a tour bus full of senior citizens feels a tap on his shoulder and looks to see a darling little old lady offering him a handful of peanuts, which he graciously accepts with a smile. A short time later she returns with another offering of peanuts, and once again the driver graciously accepts the gift. This repeats itself a few more times until the driver finally asks, "Why are you giving away all of your peanuts?" The little old lady replies, "Well, our teeth aren't what they used to be, we simply can't chew them anymore." The driver then asks, "Well why do you keep buying them then?", to which she replies, "Oh we just love the chocolate coating on them."  RAY


----------



## tx smoker (Jul 25, 2020)

This is supposedly a true story.

A forensic pathologist was on the stand at a murder trial and was being questioned by the lawyer for the defense;
Atty: Is it possible that the victim was still alive?
Patho: No, it's not possible.
Atty: Why is it not possible that the victim was still alive?
Patho: Because his brain is in a jar on my desk.
Atty: But isn't it possible that he could still be alive?
Patho: I suppose that if he was still alive he could be practicing law somewhere

It took the jury 10 minutes to stop laughing

Robert


----------



## sawhorseray (Jul 29, 2020)

Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.



Dad Joke #41945

A fellow walked into a bank in New York City asking for a loan for $4000 dollars. “Well, before we lend you the money we are going to need some kind of security” the bank teller said. “No problem” the man responded here are the keys to my car “you’ll see it, it’s a black Porsche parked in the back of the parking lot.” A few weeks later the man returned to pay off his loan. While he was paying it up, along with the interest of $11 dollars, the manager came over, “sir, we are very happy to have you’re business, but if you don’t mind me asking, after you left we looked into you and found out that you are a millionaire, why would you need to borrow $4000 dollars?” “Well, the fellow responded it’s quite simple, where else can I park my car for three weeks in New York for $11 dollars?”


----------



## sawhorseray (Aug 1, 2020)

The city miser was on his death bed, as his last request he asked to be alone with his lawyer, doctor, and priest. “I know I am going to die” he said ” and I would like to take my money with me, so I am going to give each of you $150,000 and I want you to each make sure the money gets in the coffin.” It was a few days after the funeral when the priest over flowing with guilt finally confided to the other two that he only put $100,000 back. “I’m glad you brought it up” said the doctor, “because I have also been feeling guilty, I only put $80,000 back.” “You people should be ashamed of yourselves” stormed the lawyer “stealing money like that, am I the only honest person here? Here look at this” he said pulling out his check book, “look I wrote out a check for the full $150,000!”


----------



## sawhorseray (Aug 7, 2020)

Two blondes are on opposite sides of the river, and one calls out to the other, "How do I get to the other side of the river!", to which the other replies, "You _are _on the other side of the river!" 


The leader of the vegetarian society just couldn’t control himself anymore. He just needed to try some pork, just to see what it tasted like. So one summer day he told his members he was going on a vacation. He packed out of town, and headed to the nearest restaurant. After sitting down, he ordered a roasted pig, and impatiently waited for his delicacy. After just a few minutes, he heard someone call his name, and to his great chagrin he saw one of his fellow members walking towards him. Just at that same moment, the waiter walked over, with a huge platter, holding a full roasted pig with an apple in it’s mouth. “Isn’t that something,” says the leader after only a moments pause, “all I do is order an apple, and look what it comes with!”


----------



## sawhorseray (Aug 8, 2020)




----------



## sawhorseray (Aug 14, 2020)

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies 



The bartender asks him "What'll you have?".
The guy answers, "A scotch, please".
The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are you talking about?
I don't owe you anything for this".
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there.
In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration".
The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink.
But don't ever let me catch you in here again".
The next day, same guy walks into the bar.
Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here?
I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!".
The guy says "What are you talking about?
I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm nvery sorry, but this is uncanny.
You must have a double." To which the guy replies "Thank you!
Make it a scotch." 



It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives.
When they got to heaven, they asked St.
Peter if he could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union.
He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.
It was almost one hundred years later when St.
Peter sent for them.
They were married in a simple ceremony.
So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together.
They went back to St.
Peter, and said: "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences.
Is there any way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St.
Peter.
"It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you.
I will never get a lawyer!"





​


----------



## MJB05615 (Aug 14, 2020)

These were very funny.  Keep it up.  Nice way to start the weekend.


----------



## sawhorseray (Aug 17, 2020)

A young Catholic priest decided to enter a monastery. He joined one particularly strict sect. The head monk told him, at his indoctrination, that they were sworn to TOTAL silence. They could not speak one word at all. However, every ten years, they would be permitted to speak two words. After 10 years of total silence, the head monk indicated it was now time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, “Bed hard!” And then he resumed his silent study and work. Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, “Food bad!” And then he resumed his silent study and work. Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, “I quit! ”The head monk shook his head and said, “I knew this was coming. You’ve done nothing but complain for the past 30 years!” 



A young lawyer died and was brought to heaven. Upon arriving the lawyer started protesting that it’s way to early for him to day, for he was only 32 years old, and there must be some mistake. The listening angel agreed that perhaps it was a mistake and agreed to look into it. After a few minutes the angel came back and said “I’m sorry sir but I am afraid there is no mistake, we calculated your age by how many hours you billed your clients, and you are at least 96. 



An actor had been out of work for 15 years because he always forgot his lines. Then one day he got a phone call from a director who wanted him for a big part in a play. All he had to say was “Hark! I hear the cannon roar! After much worry the actor decided to take  the role. Opening night arrived, and while he waited in the wings, the actor muttered to himself “Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar! The time for the entrance finally came and as the actor made his appearance, he heard a loud brooooom! He turned around and said, “what the hell was that?”


----------



## sawhorseray (Sep 9, 2020)

A man walks into a pet store looking for a parrot. The attendant brings out the three parrots he has on stock. " I must warn you, these are pretty expensive as I am out of normal parrots."
The man says: "OK, how much for this one?"
Attendant: " 200 dollars "
The man is shocked at the price as he expected to only pay around 50 dollars and asks, " What is so special about this one?"
"Well, it can parrot but also converse and even do basic arithmetic."
The man is impressed with the skill of the bird and feels the price justified and goes to ask about the second parrot.
"This one is 300 dollars".
Slightly shocked at the large price increase the man asks what is special about the bird.
“Well, it can do all the things the previous parrot can but can also translate what you say into seven different languages and can draw portraits of anyone it has ever seen." Again impressed with the skill of the bird, he asks about the third parrot.
 "This one is 2,000 dollars."
The man exclaims, " WOW that is crazy compared to the other 2 parrots. What can this guy do?”
"Nothing really, but the other two birds call him Boss..."



What has 18 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.


----------

