# i havent been around in a while



## -devil- (Sep 28, 2008)

i know i haven't been around here in a while. been dealing with personal issues for a bit ... and now comes the toughest one of all ... the divorce. can't say that i am ready for it. but at the same time i am looking forward to it. 

we have been together for 10 years, but for the past 7 it has pretty much been dead. 

she married me because she liked how i treated her, and apparently she thought she could change me into someone that she likes (that does the things she wants to do, mostly redneck, country stuff) i am not a person who changes easily, and i will be the first to say that. but i am a city person, computer geek. a completly different lifestyle ... 

the past 4 months has been the worse, till finally last night she finally agreed that since i don't change who i am so she will like me .. that we should go our own ways ... 

the toughest part of all of this will be finding a new place to stay within a month hopefully ... 

i don't know why i am posting this, other then for the fact that since we have been together ... about the only friends i have left are ones that i know online ... have lost contact with all my other friends because she didn't like them. etc etc etc ...


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## bb53chevpro (Sep 28, 2008)

I am not sure if I should be happy or sad for you. But just remember, hang in there. It will all work out. 

Don't forget to do some smokin and let the thin blues rise to the heavens.


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## -devil- (Sep 28, 2008)

i haven't figured out the happy or sad part yet either ... but i know it will work out ... just the pain at the same time ...


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## capt dan (Sep 28, 2008)

well, most  gals  marry guys for  what they see, or what potential they have to make them what  they want them to be. It is sad that your relationship has taken a  road less desired, but the alternative is to stay together unhappy, and waste the remaining years of your life. Finding another person to be happy with would be a much better choice, and  it appears that you are taking the first steps to just that. Keep us in your circle of friends, and take your mind off of the tyroubles occassionally by smoking up some good eats, and let us know how your doing in the meantime.

Things will turn around, be happy when you can, and avoid the things that trouble you the most.

CD.


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## richtee (Sep 28, 2008)

Welcome back man!  We still love our fellow smokers!  :{)


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## pigcicles (Sep 28, 2008)

Welcome back again. Hope things settle down for you soon. I'm a firm believer that things happen for a reason. You'll know why sometime soon.

Glad you're back. Hope you're not gone so long next time. Ohh BTW - we need food pix


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## kratzx4 (Sep 28, 2008)

Welcome back. Bummer, but I agree with pigcicles, things happen for a reason and I have always found out that it is for the better. When you're feeling down just dial up your family at SMF, someone will make you feel better


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## smoke freak (Sep 28, 2008)

Sorry to hear. Been there and it sucks. Took me forever to remember who I really was cause I spent so much time tryin to please someone who couldnt be pleased. So learn to take care of yourself. Be happy with who you are and when you meet the right one she wont want you to change at all. God bless you.


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## smok'n steve (Sep 28, 2008)

Welcome back,

Not sure if you have kids, but if you do, and there is always "tension" in the house, then they will feel it, it will hurt them.

I am sure you have been in someone elses house and felt the tension between a couple---its a bad thing.

Here is my point, sometimes, there is a chance to get rid of that tension, and actually be really happy, but it takes at least a year of healing, etc.  What I am trying to tell you is, go to a councilor whether your wife wants to or not.  If you don't like the councilor, get another one.  You should google around and find a book that relates to what you "think" the problem is, I promise, if you are in the pain I think you are, you will read it in a day.  

I promise you that even if things don't work out for you, you will be glad you got some help.  You will find out that we all do things and react in ways that are part of similar behavior patterns.  When there is tensions like you say, then we the humans involved become blind on how to "change" our behaviors to help solve problems.  I didn't say "change as a person", I said change certain behavoirs:-)  I also promise you that you will learn something you didn't know about yourself that you may not like.

I hope this helps some.  Also, I like the Captains advice too, smoke up some meat, keep talking to your friends here.

Sincerely,

Steve

ps ---to quote Pigcycles "I'm a firm believer that things happen for a reason. You'll know why sometime soon."  

Know matter what happens, someday, you might be glad it did, so hang in there.


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## -devil- (Sep 28, 2008)

it has been at least 6 months since i smoked any meats .. got a bunch of ribs in the freezer .. guess now is about as good of time as any to cook em up and enjoy em ... 

there is one kid, he isnt mind tho ... 15 year old boy ... have raised him since he was 3 ... 

when i told him we were seperating ... the words that hurt the most were 'can i go with you?' ... he can't ... she would never let him go ... 'supposidly' she is still going to let me take him bike riding (we normally go 2 to 3 times a week, mountain bike and road bike) ... but i am sure that will drop off after a little while ..

my main goal is going to be to discover myself again (hah that sounds corny) ... but i have learned from this .. that i will never change the fundimentals of who i am .. for anyone .. no matter what .. if they can not accept me for who i am (no matter how good they look) ... it will never go further then a 1 night relationship ...


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## ron50 (Sep 28, 2008)

Best of luck to you. You sound like you have a good handle on this. You have a direction. The rest will just take time.

For life, just as in smoking, slow and steady wins the race.


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## supervman (Sep 28, 2008)

Sorry about the situation but sounds best. 
Heck, just pick up the phone or email some old friends. 
When I get together with my HS buddies (we graduated in 79) and we haven't seen each other for sometimes years as our group is rather large about 15-20 of us from our bunch... we just start talkin like we had seen each other yesterday. 

It's not as tough as you might be thinking to reconnect with old friends and this will also allow you a chance to make new friends. Ones with similar tastes to yours. Reach out at Church, join some geek computer club, join a chess organization or whatever it is you're into. Shake it up a little. Breath the fresh air.


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## walking dude (Sep 28, 2008)

btdt Devil...........my oldest isn't mine, but when he hit 15, our law sez he CAN go live with his "DAD"........he came RUNNING to my house to live.......you raised him.......bet you could put up a fight bout that.........i would at least look into it........who knows, she may TRY (no clue on your state laws as to this, but some states will go after you) for child support.......i know conn. is that way.........not sure bout other states...........


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## doctor phreak (Sep 28, 2008)

devil im so sorry for your pain going thru this tough time just remember your good ole smf buddies and do some smoking and post some pics and well help as much as we can thru your diffucult time...god bless


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## smokin365 (Sep 28, 2008)

Ya just need to vent a lil bit, and what better place to do so then one like this.  We all have a common thread (unintentional pun) on this forum and you feel like you can get some good words of comfort.  If the only friends that you feel you have are online ones, then, another reason to to post here.  If you arent getting along, then it is prolly better to part ways while you are still sane.  Im no PHD, but I suggest applying heavy layers of TBS and spritzing with light alchohol, good music, and happy people for about the next year.  Look up some old buds and enjoy yourself.  Sorry to hear about this situation.  Good luck


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## travcoman45 (Sep 28, 2008)

Hang in there, there always folks round here willin ta pop the top on a cool one with yall, pull up a stump an enjoy a good smoke.  Ain't much we can do cept listen an hope yall get a better run comin yer way.  Good luck, visit when yall feel like ya need a friend.


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## oldschoolbbq (Sep 28, 2008)

Devil- Been there, done that (five times yet
	

	
	
		
		



		
		
	


	





 ). They start that change stuff and the arguments begin,yep, not satisfied with thier "prize" so gotta screw with it!!!LOL
The guys ARE right - things happen for ,yadda-yadda-yadda! My first four were setting me up for the best thing I ever accomplished, finding Trish, my better half!
As for no friends, you know better! Just fire-up the old smoker and they'll start coming by and re-aquainting themselves again (yeah, it sounds like bribbery but...)LOL
The bitterest fruit is heartbreak;the sweetest drink is friendship!-you have that here. Chin up and hang with us!


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## sumosmoke (Sep 28, 2008)

Not good to hear about your pain as you go through the divorce but remember you have a new chance to look at life and enjoy it to its fullest potential. 

The SMF family is always here for each other through thick and thin, TBS. 

Hang in there, Devil!


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## okie joe (Sep 28, 2008)

Welcome back dude,we are here if ya need to talk...sorry for your pain,,,fire up the smoker and do some of the things that ya like... be true to your self......Sing like nobody is listening,.... dance like nobody is watching and work like ya dont need the money...


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## -devil- (Sep 29, 2008)

no its not easy ... and i know the hard part hasn't started yet ...

she only just realized what is wrong in the relationship ... and i
have been trying to say it for the past 7 years ... the part about
that which hurts though ... is when i reminded her that i have been
saying that for those years ... she says 'but it just started
happening' ...

in all honesty, i think there is a little bit more to this ... her
grandmother just passed away, and at the same time she was fighting
with her mom and we were planning on moving away to our own place, on
our own land (we live on her familys land now) ... but after the
funeral. suddenly her family, which had been treating her like crap
ever since i met her ... suddenly are being nice to her, and pointing
at me ... saying that i am the reason she acts the way she does ...
(she is the black sheep of the family, always has been .. hasn't
changed any since i met her) but now they have someone to blame it on
...

all she knows now is they are talking to her, and saying i am the
reason .. and she is beleiving them ... so out i go ...

it may just be in my head .. but it is looking to be true to me ...
most of the words she is saying right now, sound like other stuff that
people have said and she is just repeating.

all three of us did talk last night .. the kid included in that .. he
told her that he wants to move with me, which she won't allow .. he
reminded her that when he turns 16 he can make that decision on his
own (his birthday is in december) ... she cried at that coming from
him .. heh ... so i mentioned about him staying with me on weekends,
and a little during the summer and winter break ... so we can still go
riding and i can still take him to see my mom ... she agreed to it ...
not sure how long it will last but maybe it will ... she also swears
that she will make sure none of her family members talk bad about me
to him (most of them are in shock that we are having a 'peacful'
breakup heh)

i brought up the child support, while we were talking about him and with him and she swears she won't try for it ... if she does try, my boss will help me with re-arranging my paycheck. 

i have a feeling that he may show up to stay when he turns 16 ... but who knows. 

thanks again for all the words, i may try to smoke some meat in the next day or two .. to take my mind off of stuff ... 

well today is the first day i go to work, without a wedding band on.


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## -devil- (Sep 29, 2008)

once i am out, i am going to do what i want to .... and try to fill my life with people that i enjoy having around and that enjoy me being around as well .... 

right now the main thing that is hitting me, is that i know why this is happening, but i know that she won't even think about it till i am out ... and loosing something i have had around for 10 years ****ing sucks ... 

seeing how the kid is doing tho, and how he is handling it .. and hearing what he has to say and wants to do .. hurts .. but helps me at the same time .. lets me know i did at least influence him and his future ... so something good is going to come out of it ... 

work today sucked ... i did laugh ... my coworker and her husband made sure of that ... but i still cried .. a lot ... i tried to stay busy and stay on the phone or whatever but it did not help ...


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## smok'n steve (Sep 29, 2008)

Hang in there bud, I am sure that you will always remember this day, just because of your situation and the events that are happening all at once.

I know I thru a lot at you in my last E-mail, so I will keep it short.  I am thinking of you, and I know that good things always come from bad things because we learn from them.

Does your work/job cover the cost for family support/council?

 You should get some help from them even if your wife isn't ready to go, I am telling you, you will get something really good from it, do it for the boy if you need an excuse.  It is difficult to get through this or possibly fix this without really good support/skills---why not get it from someone who does it every day?  If you go get guidance, they will not take a side, tell you how to make or what to make for decisions, but they will give you skills, helping you to know better what will make you happy.  You are number one.   

Sometimes people can be happier after realizing certain patterns and changing them thus adapting and if the other side adapts too, then all is well, other times not, but at least you can say you tried.  Finding these specifics is very hard to do without a 3rd neutral party.

These things are always deeper routed than the obvious surface crap.

Hang in there,

Steve


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## gnubee (Sep 29, 2008)

I've been thru it and its not a fun thing. I does get better over time. How long depends on so many things. Hang in there, we are all pulling for you.


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## pacnwsteve (Sep 30, 2008)

Ok, you are in the pits right now, in the gutter, feeling like **** (sorry for the swear word, but I am sure that's true).  Think of this as opportunity. So much can change in such a short amount of time.  Heck, it only took our government a short few years to run the economy into the tank.  So, feel your pain, embrace it, know that a stranger across the country is pulling for you, and that as soon as you get over the initial hurt, that freedom and independence is going to feel mighty good to you. That is power, that is control.  That is knowing you own your destiny. Make nice with the X, keep the kid close, and move on.  

Best of luck, man. Find peace wherever you may go. And, if all else fails, eat some kick arse smoked meat and hang out around here with all the other kind folks looking after the smoking meat family.  They're the best...
Pac


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