# For the men...this means war. (of the words....lol)



## beerivore

What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist. 
	

	
	
		
		



		
			






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Why is it called PMS? -- Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken

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I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life 

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*Tongue Twister*

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.

He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

So the guy tells him: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said: I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." "She socked me one." 

The first guy responded, "Mine was a tongue twister too."
I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Corn Flakes, but I accidentally said: You ruined my life, you lousy bitch.

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The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman

#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.


#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for
when you're on the road.


#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he
will probably let you try it out a few times.


#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a
backup.


#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of
ammo.


#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.


#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.


#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look
fat?"


#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you
use it.


AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A
WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.


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## deejaydebi

LOL!


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## lisacsco

Men are like ceramic tiles, lay'em right the first time and you can walk all over'em forever.

(it's on buddy)

:)


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## beerivore

It's soooooo true it hurts......ROFLMAO


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## deejaydebi

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?


_All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs._

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What did God say after creating man?


_I can do so much better._


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What is the difference between men and women?

_A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. _




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What should you give a man who has everything?


_A woman to show him how to work it._


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## beerivore

C'mon guys help me out.  I am getting slaughtered here..... : P


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## lisacsco

Hey Debi...

Dont print too many jokes in one post, they wont be able to keep up!


Lisa


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## lisacsco

How do you save a man from drowning? 
Take your foot off of his head. 


Lisa


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## pigcicles

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. 
Then God created Man and rested. 
Then God created Woman. 

- Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. 

Why do men die before their wives? 

- They want to.


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## pigcicles

Why do men break wind more than women? 

- Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the pressure. 

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? 

- The dog. He'll shut up once you let him in.


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## beerivore

OMFG LMAO 

thanks for the support Pig


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## pigcicles

Rules Men Wish Women Knew 
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are.
Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down. 
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that 
married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if 
we can find the perfect present yet again! 
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect
an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun
formation and monster trucks.
8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or
the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never
going to think of it that way. 
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely 
anything you wear is fine. Really.


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## beerivore

[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Q. Why do women have breasts? [/font]
[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A. So men will talk to them. [/font]

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## lisacsco

Why is it important for a woman to look her best?


 Because plenty of men are stupid, but few of them are blind.


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## pigcicles

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up as it sometimes does. 

But then the wife suddenly stops and says "I donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t feel like it, I just want you to hold me." "WHAT!?" says her husband. The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. He realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. 

The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She canâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They head to the shoe department and pick up matching shoes worth $200 each. 

The pair go to the jewelry department where she finds a set of diamond earrings that her husband agrees to buy for her. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she doesnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t care. She goes for the matching tennis bracelet. The husband says "You donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t even play tennis, but if you like it then letâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s get it." 

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says to her husband, "Iâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]m ready to go, letâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s go to the cashier." 

The husband stops and says, "No, honey I donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t feel like buying all this stuff now." The wifeâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s face goes blank. "Honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." 

The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode as her husband says, "You must be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."


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## pigcicles

[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." 
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs!"[/font]


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## beerivore

How many men does it take to open a beer? 
- None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. 

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? 
 Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. 


Why do women have smaller feet than men? 
- It allows them to stand closer to the sink. 

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? 
- She starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." 

How do you fix a woman's watch? 
- It doesn't matter. There is a clock on the oven. 

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? 
- A woman that won't do what she's told. 
I married Miss Right. 
- I just didn't know her first name was Always. 

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months! 
- I don't like to interrupt her. 

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%. 
- It's called wedding cake. 

Marriage is a three ring circus: 
- Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering. 

My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" 
- I said, "Dust!" 

Why do men die before their wives? 
- They want to. 

A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds section with the heading "Wife Wanted." 
- The next day he received a hundred letters saying "You can have mine."

ok this is getting ugly


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## pigcicles

I'm just curious... what man set Lisa off ... this is getting wicked.


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## gypsyseagod

why does a woman take an hour to put on makeup & do her hair, to look like she has no makeup & not done her hair???


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## lisacsco

I was just getting into the harrassing here :)  I found some really funny jokes and threw them in here


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## lisacsco

Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics? 


He had it bronzed.


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## lisacsco

What's black and blue and lying in a ditch? 


A man who told too many blonde jokes.


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## lisacsco

How do men exercise on the beach? 


By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.


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## lisacsco

Why did the man cross the road? 


Who knows why the hell men do anything?


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## deejaydebi

Actually Piggy I think I started this by posting my emails jokes yesterday and Beerivour had to defend the defenceless ... LOL


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## squeezy




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## lisacsco

You DO notice they are little men, don't ya?


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## pigcicles

... lol, you must have had some mean brothers Lisa.. keep in mind it isn't necessarily the size of a man that matters.. it's how much bacon can he bring home for his woman to cook


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## shortrib

Guess I'll chime in on this


THE HUSBAND STORE 

 A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, 
 where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the 
 entrance is a description of how the store operates. 

 You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the 
attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. 

 There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular 
 floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down 
 except to exit the building! 

 So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. 
  On the first floor the sign on the door reads:  
* Floor 1* - These men have jobs.  
 The second floor sign reads:  
*Floor 2* - These men have jobs and love kids.  
 The third floor sign reads:  
*Floor 3* - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good  looking. 
   Wow, she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.  
 She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:  
*Floor 4* - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking  and help with the housework.  
    Oh, mercy me! she exclaims, I can hardly stand it  
 Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: .  
*Floor 5* - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help 
 with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. 
  She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the  sign reads:  
*Floor 6* - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men 
 on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are 
 impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. 

 MEANWHILE...  
 A New Wives store opened across the street.  
 The first floor has wives that love sex. 
 The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.  
 The third through sixth floors have never been visited....


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## shortrib

Ok, One more then I'll take what's coming 
	

	
	
		
		



		
		
	


	













*It's not difficult to make a woman happy.  A man only needs to be*:
       1. a friend
       2. a companion
       3. a lover
       4. a brother
       5. a father
       6. a master
       7. a chef
       8. an electrician
       9. a carpenter
     10. a plumber
     11. a mechanic
     12. a decorator
     13. a stylist
     14. a sexologist
     15. a gynecologist
     16. a psychologist
     17. a pest exterminator
     18. a psychiatrist
     19. a  healer
      20. a good listener
     21. an organizer
     22. a good father
     23. very clean
     24. sympathetic
     25. athletic
     26. warm
     27. attentive
     28. gallant
     29. intelligent
     30. funny
     31. creative
     32. tender
     33. strong
     34. understanding
     35. tolerant
     36. prudent
     37. ambitious
     38. capable
     39. courageous
     40. determined
     41. true
     42. dependable
     43. passionate
     44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
     45. give her compliments regularly
     46. love shopping
     47. be honest
     48. be very rich
     49. not stress her out
     50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
     51. give her lots of attention, but expect little for yourself
     52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
     53. give her lots of space, never worrying about  where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
    54. Never to forget:
         * birthdays
         * anniversaries
         * arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY 
     1. Show up naked
     2. Bring Beer


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## squeezy

I'm crushed ... you mean size does count!


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## deejaydebi

I resemble that remark!


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## lisacsco

oh Lordy


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## crownovercoke

how does a woman screw in a lightbulb?

She complains untill the man hangs himself.

Then how does she screw in a lightbulb????

She holds it and expects the world to revolve around her!!!!


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## lisacsco

where have you been??


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## lisacsco

How can you tell when a man is well hung?


_When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose._


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## deejaydebi

OOOOOOOOOOOOOwwwwwwww SA LAP!


She's good! ROFLMAO!


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## crownovercoke

WOW!!!  Bitter table for one!


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## crownovercoke

A man found a magic lamp and rubbed it.  A very old genie came out and said "I am very old and very tired I will grant you one wish"
 The man said "fair enough.  I would like a personal highway to Hawaii.  I am very afraid to fly so I want to be able to drive there..."

The genie said "that would take a lot of work and time,  That would almost drain all my power.  Can you think of something else that you would want?"

The man stopped and thought.  Then says "OK I want to know how to please a woman.  What makes them tick."

The Genie is motionless.  Then says "How many lanes do you want on your highway?"


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## crownovercoke

You asked for it!

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes????

Nothing shes already been told twice!







I swore I wouldnt tell that joke again....
	

	
	
		
		



		
		
	


	





No really I love all women of shapes and sizes...Well not all shapes...And not really all sizes either...Hmmm


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## racingstudebakers

Wow! Looks like I'm doin' pretty good! 52 out of 54 ain't bad! (I don't know anything about decorating or being a stylist....
	

	
	
		
		



		
			






 )

Shortrib, ya done good!


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## racingstudebakers

Naw..... An even better way is... You just ask her sisters and/or some of her friends. 
	

	
	
		
		



		
		
	


	





 There's ALWAYS females around her who make it a point to find out for themselves!


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## racingstudebakers

Just before closing on Friday evening, an obviously old fella goes into a reeeal fancy jewelery store with a 22 year old gal hangin' on his right arm, who looks like she just stepped out of the centerfold of Playboy. They go directly to the counter and the old fella summons the jeweler. He says to the jeweler, "I want something very special for my beautiful friend here. Do you think you have something very special to show her?" The jeweler says, "Why of course we have something _very_ special for your lovely lady sir!"

Instantly, the jeweler scoots off then quickly returns with a beautiful, one carat diamond ring. The young lady extends her hand and the jeweler slips the diamond ring on her finger. The girl oohs and aahs over the ring, cuddles the old fella, then gives him a big hug and kiss. "Oh thank you! It's soooo beautiful!", she says. The old fella asks the jeweler, "How much does that ring cost"? The jeweler replies, "The ring will cost you just 5000 dollars sir."

The old fella says to the girl, "Why my dear, it IS very nice, but I want something _very special_ for you!" He says to the jeweler, "My good man, I said "_something special_"! Although this ring IS beautiful, it costs just a paltry 5000 dollars. Do you think you can find something _much more special_ for my beautiful friend?" The jeweler looks aghast, but says, "Why, 'er YES sir, I _surely_ can find something _much more special_ for the lovely young lady!".

The jeweler retrieves the rejected ring from the young lady and scurries quickly away, returning a few minutes later. This time he brings a large, beautiful, deep royal blue, velvet covered and crested ring box. He opens the ring box for the couple and in it is a stunning, bejeweled ring, encrusted with large diamonds, rubies, sporting tri-colored gold fixtures and a thick gold band! The young lady gazes upon the ring and almost swoons! She tugs the old fella close as the jeweler ceremoniously removes the ring from the case and slips it on her finger. She is truly awestruck, nearly breathless., She sees that the ring is indeed incomparable, breathtaking, heavy and glitters like the stars in the universe. She is speechless but turns and gives the old fella an even BIGger hug and showers his face and bald head with kisses, leaving a trail of deep red lipstick where her lips have touched! 

The old fella asks the jeweler, "Sir, how much is this ring?" The jeweler says, "Sir, there is not another like it in the world, it is _very_ special indeed! The ring will cost you 55,000 dollars! The old fella says, "Sir, this is the special thing that I was looking for! Something as special as my beautiful friend here. I will take it!" 

The jeweler says, "Very well sir, I can take your payment at the register." The old fella says, "Sir, I will pay with a check. I understand that we are dealing with a fair sum here, and that the bank is now closed. Therefore, I will leave my check with you, allowing you the opportunity to call the bank Monday morning to assure that the funds are available. We will return Monday and pick the ring up at about 4 PM." The jeweler says, "That will be fine sir!".

Bright and early Monday morning, the jeweler calls the bank to make sure the money is in the old fella's account. The bank teller says to the jeweler, "Sir, there is less than two dollars in that account!". Infuriated, the jeweler hangs up and immediately dials the phone number on the old fella's check! The old fella answers the phone, sounding sleepy and just awakened. The jeweler says, "Sir! There MUST be some mistake, that account has less than two dollars in it!" The old fella says, "Yeah I know, but you wouldn't believe the weekend that I just had!!"

One last trueism.... They don't know WHAT they want, but they know they want it ALL!


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## deejaydebi

LOL - Can you imagine ....


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## starsfaninco

After a few weeks of Adam being by himself in the garden of Eden, he got lonely. So he went to God and asked for a companion. God said he would look into it and get back to him the next day. So the next day God went to Adam and said 'Here Adam, I can make a beautiful woman that cooks, irons, cleans, never complains and is pretty much just what you want, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg, what do you think' Adam thought for a few seconds and then asked 'what can I get for a rib?'


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## starsfaninco

A waiter took a bottle of Merlot to a woman in a fancy restaurant and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating a man accross the room. She regarded the wine cooly for a second without looking over at the man and decided to send a reply note. The waiter who was lingering for a response took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. 

The note said... 
For me to accept the bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants. 

After reading the note, the man decided to composee a note of his own. He swiftly wrote a reply and handed it to the waiter and instructed him to givie it to the woman. 

It read... 
For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a vintage Corvette Stingray, a BMW, and a Mercedes in my garage...and there is over 20 million dollars in my bank account. However not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.


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## crewdawg52

Several  athletes are in line at the Olympics to register for their event.  One of the men walks up to the judge with a pole in his hands and states "Pole Vaulting".  The judge said "over there".  Another guy  walks up with a gun and states "shooting".  The judge tells him to go to another place.  A woman walks up with a roll of barbed wire under her arm.  The judge looks curiously at her and asks, "What event are you in?"  "Fencing!"  she states!


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## starsfaninco

SO?  Who won??


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## squeezy

There will never be a clear cut winner ... I think the sexes are _equally_ messed up!

Vive la difference!


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## deejaydebi

I think it has something to do with free will Squeezy!


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## lisacsco

So, Squeezy....is this a white flag??


I am sure there is a joke about that...let me look......
	

	
	
		
		



		
		
	


	





Lisa


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## squeezy

*I think not my dear!*

We don't *surrender* any more than a woman* would admit* defeat. 
	

	
	
		
		



		
		
	


	





Sometimes a *truce* is in order, just so we can rearm for the* next offensive*


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## lisacsco

OK darlin  :)  a truce it is  
	

	
	
		
		



		
		
	


	





but I'll be watching you


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## deejaydebi

Does that mean no more jokes? There's been some really funny ones!


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## squeezy

It is much better to make love than war eh?

in the meantime, we can kid the dickens out of each other 
	

	
	
		
		



		
		
	


	





... so who has got a joke ...eh?


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## crewdawg52

It ain't  called a truce.....it's a "lull" in the action so armies can regain strentgh, rearm, and be prepared for battle!


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## smokincowboy

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on - very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"


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## linescum

One for the girls
A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight. 

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" 

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old." 

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 42-year old arse?" 

"Your name never came up," she replied


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## blackhawk19

I may be new around here but I know to try and stay neutral where 
women are  stirred up, that's why I'm still married after 38yrs.


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## vulcan75001

Chicken....


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## zapper

Ah, much humor in these sex wars there is. And much truth is spoken in jest.



I told my wife that when she turned fourty I was gonna trade her in for two twenty year olds. She laughed and said that I was not built for two twenty!


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## smokin for life

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades 
while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine 
alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the 
high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very 
frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young 
Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!" 

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't 
you go on and give it a try?"

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. 
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the 
same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back. 

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, "**** ! 
This one's barefoot, too!!"


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## deejaydebi

LOL poor blondes!


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## smokemaster

1.  HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V.
He seemed distant and absent. 

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.

I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.



2.  HIS DIARY

Today the  Packers  lost, but at least I got laid.


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## blackhawk19

* 
We always hear**"**                the                rules**"
**From                the female side.*

*Now                here are the rules from the male side.*

*These                are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "                
ON PURPOSE!*

*1.                Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet                seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it                up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you                leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon                
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping                is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that                way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you                want. 
Let us be clear on this one: 
Subtle hints do not                work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not                work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly                acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us                with a problem**only**                if you want help solving                it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are                for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible                in an argument. 
In fact, all comments become Null and void                after 7 Days. 


1. If you think you're fat, you probably                are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be                interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,                we meant the**other                one**

1.                You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want                it done. 
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it,                just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say                whatever you have to say during commercials.. 

1.                Christopher Columbus did**NOT**                need directions and neither                do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows                default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not                **A**                color. Pumpkin is also a                fruit. We have **no**                idea what mauve                is.

1. If it itches, it                **will**                be scratched.
We do                that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We                will act like nothing's wrong. 
We know you are lying, but it                is just not worth the hassle. 

1. If you ask a question you                don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to                hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything                you wear is fine... **Really**                .** 

1. Don't ask us                what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such                topics as baseball
or**golf.

1.                You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many                shoes.

1. I am in shape.**Round**                IS a shape!

1. Thank                you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch                tonight;
**But                did you know men really don't mind that? It's like                camping.


*


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## deejaydebi

I have three basic rules in my house

1) Dirty clothes go in the hamper not on the floor or everywhere else in the house

2) Dirty dishes go in the sink also not on the floor or everywhere else in the house

3) when you use my tools wipe them off and put them back where you found them again not on the floor or everywhere else in the house or where ever you used it


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## linescum

most of my tools are on the floor to begin with


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## smokin for life

A Texan Is Drinking In A New York Bar....
He gets a call on his cell phone. 
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear & 
orders a round of drinks for everybody in 
the bar because, he announces, his wife 
has just produced a typical Texan baby boy 
weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can 
weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, 
"That's about average back home, folks. 
Like I said, my boy's a typical Texan baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around 
& many exclamations of *"WOW!"* were heard.
One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Texan returns to the bar.
The bartender says 
"Say, you're the father of that typical Texan baby
that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? 
Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd 
be in two weeks. We were gonna call you... 
so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, 
"Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled & concerned. 
"What happened? 
He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Texan father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star, 
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in to the 
bartender proudly says,

_"Had Him Circumcised."_


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## squeezy

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!" 
I took a drink from my can of Busch Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."


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## deejaydebi

A little Bear is at his custody hearing. 

The judge asks the little bear whom he wants to live with. 

Well, I don't want to live with Mamma bear, she beats me. 

And I do not want to live with Papa Bear, he beats me too. 

The Judge asks little bear if he has any relatives whom he likes. 

Little Bear says no. . . I want to live with the Chicago Bears, the don't beat anybody.


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## beerivore

hahaha......wait a minute. We just didn't beat the Colts. 
	

	
	
		
		



		
		
	


	





If we can just get Tank Johnson from being an idiot, our D line will be set, but you know kids who have more money than they can handle.


------------------------------------------------------------------


A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"


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## blackhawk19

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach
when suddenly the sky clouded above his head... In a
booming voice, the Lord said:

'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all
ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said:'Please build a bridge
to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think
of  the enormous challenges for that kind of
undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom
of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would
take! It would  nearly exhaust several of the world's
natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me
to justify your desire for such worldly things. Take a
little more time, and think of something that could
possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally,
he said, 'Lord,I wish that I, and all men, could
understand our wives; I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the
silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when
she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman
truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes, or four, on
that bridge?


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## linescum

i see you got the same problem i got


----------



## smokin for life

*  An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following**
  conversation ensues:
  Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
  children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I
  picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel,
  where I had sex with each of them three times."
  Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
  Man: "What sins?"
  Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
  Man: "I'm Jewish."
  Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
  Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody."*


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## abigail4476

*Difference Between Women And Men*

*1.NAMES*

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

*2.EATING OUT*

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

*3.MONEY*

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

*4.BATHROOMS*

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

*5.ARGUMENTS*

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a newargument.

*6.CATS*

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

*7.FUTURE*

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

*8.SUCCESS*

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

*9.MARRIAGE*

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,and she does.

*10.DRESSING UP*

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

*11.NATURAL*

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

*12.OFFSPRING*

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

*13.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY*

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing


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## pigcicles

... oh noooo Now the boss' wife is involved!!!


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## abigail4476




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## squeezy

The Irish Golfer




*There is hope yet. Hee hee*


An 80-year old-Irish man goes to a doctor for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"


"I'm Irish and I am a golfer", says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. Have a glass of beer, a shot of fine Irish Whiskey and all is well".


"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"

"Who said my Dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old-Irish golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that's why he's still alive." 

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?" "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old-Irish golfer.


The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it? "Getting married!!? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"


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## blackhawk19

A married couple is driving along a  highway doing a steady 60
miles 
per hour. The wife is behind the  wheel. Her husband suddenly looks
across 
at her and speaks in a clear  voice. "I know we've been married for
twenty 
years, but I want a  divorce."
The  wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road  ahead but slowly increases her speed
to 65  mph. The husband speaks  again. "I don 't want you to try and talk me
out of it," He says,  "because I've been having an affair with your best
friend, And she's  a far better lover than you are."
 Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more  
tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck.  "I
want>the house," he says  insistently..
Up to 80 . "I want the car, too," he  continues.
85  mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the
credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete  bridge.

This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything  you
want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you  got?"
Just  before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to
him and  smiles. "The airbag."


----------



## blackhawk19

Now I lay me down to sleep 
I pray the Lord my shape to keep. 
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags 
And please lift my butt before it sags. 
Please no age spots, Please no gray 
And as for my belly, Please take it away. 
Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young, 
And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done. 

Five tips for a woman.... 
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job. 
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. 
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You. 
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you. 
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other. 

Foot Note: 
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: 
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."


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## crewdawg52

Women's Poem

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens doors,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN"S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
Who owns a liquor store and a golf course.  
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****!


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## linescum

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend, hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck on beer and food.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade about his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him " how would you liek it if you didn't see me for 2 or 3 days?" To which the man replied, " That would be fine with me!"
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.Tuesday and Wednesday came and went and he didn't see her.
On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
surrender


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## linescum

---------cool Things About Being A Man--------
1 Your @ss Is Never A Factor In A Job Interview
2 Your Orgasms Are Real!! Always
3 Your Last Name Stays Put
4 The Garage Is All Yours
5 Wedding Plans Take Care Of Themselves
6 You Never Feel Compelled To Stop A Friend From Getting Laid
7 Car Mechanis Tell You The Truth
8 You Don't Give A Rats @ss If Someone Notices Your New Haircut
9 Hot Wax Never Comes Near Your Pubic Area
10 Same Work--more Pay!!
11 Wrinkles Add Character
12 You Don't Have To Leave The Room To Make Emegency Crotch Adjustments
13 Wedding Dress $2000; Tux Rental $100
14 If You Retain Water--it's In A Canteen
15 People Never Glance At Your Chest When You're Walking To Them
16 New Shoes Don't Cut, Blister, Or Mangle Your Feet
17 One Mood--all The Damn Time
18 Phone Conversations Are Over In 30 Seconds
19 A Five-day Vacation Requires Only 1 Suitcase
20 You Can Open All Your Own Jars
21 You Get Extra Credit For The Slightest Act Of Thoughtfulness
22 Your Underwear Is $10-- A 3-pack
23 If You Are 34 And Single, Nobody Notices
24 You Can Quietly Enjoy A Car Ride From The Passengers Seat
25 Three Pairs Of Shoes Are More Than Enough
26 You Can Quietly Watch A Game With Your Buddy For Hours Without Ever Thinking He Is Mad At You
27 No Maxi-pads
28 If Another Guy Shows Up At A Party In The Same Outfit, You Just Might Become Life-long Buddies
29 You Are Not Expected To Know More Than 5 Colors
30 You Don't Have To Stop And Think Which Way To Turn A Nut On A Bolt
31 You Are Unable To See Wrinkles In Your Clothes
32 The Same Hairstyle Last For Years, Maybe Decades
33 Your Belly Usually Hides Your Big Hips
34 One Wallet And 1 Pair Of Shoes, 1 Color, All Seasons
35 You Can "do" Your Nails With A Pocketknife
36 Christmas Shopping Can Be Accomplished For 25 Relatives, On December 24th, In 6 Minutes
37 The World Is Your Urinal

----ten Things Men Know For Sure About Women-------------------
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10 They Have Breasts!!


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## blackhawk19

*Men strike back!* 
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a  woman? 
Because a woman who  can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support  you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows  
them to stand closer to the kitchen  sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------  
If your dog is barking at the  back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?  
The dog, of course. He'll shut  up once you let him  in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists havediscovered a food that diminishes 
a woman's  sex drive by 90%.
It's called a  Wedding  Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and  a beer
gut, and still think they are  sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------  
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man  and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. 
---------------------------------------------------------


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## linescum

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note. " I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 am." Signed, " The Blonde."

She pinned the note inside the little boys jacket and told him to go straight home.

The next morning she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note. " Here is your money! I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"


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## linescum

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day, so she eases
it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the
rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies
to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled
vehicle yelling, 'What is going on here?'
'My car broke down, Officer' says the woman, calmly.
'Well, what are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the
road?!' asks the Officer...

'Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!', she replies.


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## lisacsco

*THE DUMB GUY*
A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy that's so homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also, he's sooooo dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how long he slept. So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a date with this ravishing buxom blonde. 
Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they become rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last drink for alcohol, then the blonde leans over to the guy and says, "Let's have this last drink at my apartment."
Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the word, "OK."
They get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when the blonde stops him and says, "Before we go back to my apartment there's one thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle."
He says, "That's ok, I'll follow you in my Honda."


----------



## smokincowboy

Hey guys this may help    13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun 



2. Psychotic Mood Shift 



3. Perpetual Munching Spree 



4. Puffy Mid-Section 



5. People Make me Sick 



6. Provide Me with Sweets 



7. Pardon My Sobbing 



8. Pimples May Surface 



9. Pass My Sweat pants 



10. Pissy Mood Syndrome 



11. Plainly; Men Suck 



12. Pack My Stuff 



and my favorite one. 



13. Potential Murder Suspect


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## lisacsco

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. 

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. 

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the Golf Club about the same time she gets home from work. 

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. 

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. 

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points. 

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. 

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. 

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. 

Signed, 
Jim 

EDITOR'S NOTE: 
Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.


----------



## deejaydebi

Helllloooooooooooooooo! Good one!


----------



## zapper

Sounds like Jim was a good man, he will be missed. It only makes me realize how short life can be, and what a heel I have been. From this point on I will try to do more for my wife. I will try to help with her gardening by starting the lawn mower for her and I will reccomend that she weave a larger laundry basket for herself so that she will not have to make so many trips up and down those old rickety basement stairs. And to help save her tired old feet I will tell her to buy me those tall boy beers, so that she will have to get up less often to bring me a drink.


----------



## linescum

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.


----------



## lisacsco

love it!!


----------



## deejaydebi

ohhhhhhhh that's bad!


----------



## linescum

Son asks his mother the following question: "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure." 
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."


----------



## lisacsco

How did THIS ONE get past me??


LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL


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## lisacsco

another post brought back from the dead...


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