# Do Not Do This!!! (Spew Alert)



## Dutch (Aug 3, 2007)

Stun gun . . . . . . . ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS.





Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great anniversary gift for the wife.




Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 37th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!




Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I



was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.




Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!



There I sat in my recliner, my dog Precious looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Precious (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet dog. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?




So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.




All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. . . . .




I'm sitting there alone, Precious looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @[email protected]$$!%*!!!




I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs The dog was standing over me making crying sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" 




(Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! . A three second burst would be considered conservative.)




SON-OF-A-. . that hurt like he!!!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How the hell did they get up there???



My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! 




I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.


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## gypsyseagod (Aug 3, 2007)

lmao- i couldn't read the last paragraph as i have sold those lil' jewels & done the same thing..... here's just a thought dutch... as pork is the same as human flesh(according to the fbi body fam @ quantico,va.)i woulda tested it on a room temp pig shoulder ( having done what you done(yes i'm in ky. now & getting my hillbilly on)- no more pulling pork- just traumatizing it... lmao again


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## meowey (Aug 3, 2007)

LMAO!

Take care, have fun, and do good!

Regards,

Meowey


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## Dutch (Aug 3, 2007)

I might have some redneck in me, but it ain't dumb!!!

It was bad enough to stand there and get zapped with a stun gun when I was a lawdawg-ya had to do it if you wanted to carry one- (luckily, they didn't have them 100,000 volt stunners back then 
	

	
	
		
		



		
		
	


	





 ). But I sure as heck wouldn't delibrately zap meownself!! If'n I did, I'd be looking for more than the family jewels, I'd be looking for me brains too!!


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## starsfaninco (Aug 3, 2007)

I actually have a similar story.

While back in my Navy days, I was joy riding with 3 shipmates, 1 of which had a car.  Well, I was in the back seat, having had several beers (we were actually on our way home).  Under the seat in front of me was something black and in the way of my foot.  So i bend down and to my surprise, I found a standard hand taser.  Well, having never really played with one before, I hit the button and saw the blue arcing described in the story above.  Well, the guys assured me that it didn't hurt too bad (LIARS).  So I lit it up and hit my stomach (through a t-shirt).  I only know from their stories (told through tears of laughter) what happened.  Evidentally, I spasmed pretty hard, hit my head on the back window, side window, and passed out.  When I actually woke up, the car was stopped, the guys were laughing like crazy, my nose was bleeding, I had a knot on the back of my head, and my stomach had small burns.  I was woozy, hurting, and generally not feeling too good.  I don't recommend trying these things just for the hell of it.


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## cheech (Aug 3, 2007)

ROTFLMAO  That is too funny thanks for the awesome report


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## short one (Aug 3, 2007)

Well folks, sounds like our Administrator, Super Moderator has a curious streak. Sounds like something youngens would do, not a nearly 51 year old person. Dutch, my daughter and wife asked what was so funny when I was reading  this, so I read it to them. ROFLMAO. Hope the boys come home soon.


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## gypsyseagod (Aug 3, 2007)

i didn't mean it bad.. but when we were sellingthese things, my partner was screwingaround w/ this ornamental(beer induced) sword & making me nervous,i'd already seen the "thin blue whammo" and working as an electrician before, i knew what it did, so i gave him a shot (30,000v) thought i'd a killed the poor bugger.... i laughed almost as hard as i did just now.


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## panhead (Aug 3, 2007)

oh my sides are aching,,lol,,,thats a funny post,thanks for putting a smile on my face...my wife is looking at me wondering what the hell is he laughing at


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## keywesmoke (Aug 3, 2007)

Great story Dutch! I'd be on the ground prone LONG before one of those things came off the belt. My rookie deputy neighbor (who did 2 tours in Iraq) had to take a Taser hit as part of his training, so he knows what he's doing to others, I guess they do that everywhere. While he couldn't really describe the hit, he did keep the barbs in a little box. They are straight fish hooks with barbs on them, and there's no little comfortable way to get them out of you. They still had meat on them. 

NO THANKS!!


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## t-bone tim (Aug 3, 2007)

ROFLMAO....hope you find your testicles Dutch...ROFLMAO


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## deejaydebi (Aug 4, 2007)

Oh you poor baby! I can't really believe you did that and have to admit I started laughing way before poor panic striken Precious tried to revive you.

Next time try it on a potatoe!

ROLF!


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## zapper (Aug 4, 2007)

Years ago, a local flea market had a couple different types of stunguns for sale. All of the handheld no projectile type. So..... a buddy and me kept daring each other to shock ourselves with one. It took about a year to work up the nerve to finally approach the booth and get to talking to the seller. It turns out that the type that he had were idiot proof, well sort of. You could not shock yourself with one, this left it to me and my best buddy to shock each other and trust the other to take care of each other if one of us actually went down. Well as kids (In our twenties) we each had one in our hands and were joking about who would go first. After a couple of fakes and a few perrys, a duck to the left and a dodge to the right and taking a few swings towards my buddy it finally happened! He got me. It was just a glanceing blow, Half a second at most and I was already in motion away from the gun when he zapped me. Holy &#!* ! That thing felt like it blew my arm off! One knee buckeled just slightly and I did hit the floor, I still insist that me hitting the floor was a trip from all of the defensive moves I was making, Yeah, that's my story and I am sticking to it! I was able to stand almost instantly afterwards (I could, but I opted to rest and catch my breath for a minute or so) Everybody was laughing and having a good ole time, I did actually get back to my feet pretty quick (I was after all in a public place with about 100 strangers gathering around to see if I was OK) And actually the shock was not all that bad for my body and my muscles, but my teeth and nose were number than anything and I was getting just a little headache when my buddy cowboyed up and said "OK, you can do me now"


 Now I wanted to just grind that thing into my buddies ass ( I am not a vengefull person at all) But instead I proceeded to tell him that he only caught me with a glance, just a nick on the arm. I also told him that I have a headache so bad that maybe I should go see a doctor before doing any other stupid stuff today. But he insisted, male ego, Man Pride I guess took over his brain he didn't want to look like a sissy and not get zapped after his best buddy did. I really didn't want to zap him (as much as I did really want to zap him), I felt like I was getting a bloody nose and like I was working on having a stroke, my head was really hurting. Finally I agreed (Against my better judgement) to just hold the gun and he could brush up against it as hard or soft as he liked.

At about this time the salesman suggest that my buddy shock himself through his shirt to maybe help reduce the shock/burn. Sounded like a good idea, considering we hadn't really had any good ideas of our own that day. So my buddy turns sideways to the stun gun as I hold it up at about shoulder height for him to test. At about this time he eases up to the gun with his shoulder as I am squeezing the trigger and then it happens.

He tackeled me! He frigging lunged into me at the speed of light! He somehow managed to fall into me in his electrical fit and take me down again with him! The thing was that as he was flopping all over on me as we were falling, I was cooking him with the stun gun as I was trying to push him off of me. Everytime that I touched him with my right hand I would accidently shock him again and he would just push into me harder and make me push back harder again accidently shocking him yet again. I would guess that he got maybe five really good Zaps, I do mean GOOD zaps. He was catatonic for maybe five minutes. It was maybe ten or 15 minutes before my brother and I carried him away to the car. It was maybe another 30 minutes before he could form sentence without profanity and another 30 minutes before we could figure out what he was trying to say, he was spewing gibberish and my pounding headache  did not help in trying to translate.


I would have to agree with the advice given above. "DO NOT DO THIS"


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## bwsmith_2000 (Aug 4, 2007)

I can't disagree with the advise above. But, given the adventures of my younger years, I'd just have to say that if you've never been hit with a cattle prod, don't try it. I have lmao while reading this thread and can't help but recall a bout with a friend, in my younger years, with a cattle prod. Those things can make your knees go limp and your brow break out in a sweat! Don't do it!!!


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## squeezy (Aug 4, 2007)

LMAOROTF!

You guys are really nuts!


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## short one (Aug 4, 2007)

My son has a shock collar for training dogs. He had it laying on the counter on the charger. His neighbor came over and was visiting with him. The neighbor asked what the thing on the counter was, and my son was busy and not paying attention to what was going on, but answered him, telling him it was a shock collar to train his dogs. The neighbor asked how it worked, and again my son told him that you put the collar on a dog and use the controller to set it off. The neighbor ask if it had an off and on switch, and was told yes and where they were, and when my son looked around all he had time to say was DON'T, and the neighbor hit the floor, flopping. By the time my son got to him he was blurting several descriptive phrases and was trying his best to get the collar out from around his neck.  We laughed till tears ran when talking about it for several months.


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## az_redneck (Aug 4, 2007)

I used to sell stunguns at gunshows. When I stopped selling, I think they were up to 500,000 volts. I had a few smart acres dare me to shock them, but I didn't want the liability. I also taught chemical restraint systems to law enforcement. (OC, CS, CN gas) If you wanted to carry it, you had to be hit with it. (I got to spray cops..   
	

	
	
		
		



		
		
	


	





 ) Same goes for the stun gun. Most departments stopped using stun guns when OC came out because the 1st OC cannisters used alcohol as a base additive. Well, you mix a stun gun and alcohol based chemicals and you REALLY light your prisoner up! 
	

	
	
		
		



		
		
	


	





  Talk about smoking meat! 
	

	
	
		
		



		
		
	


	





OC now uses non-flammable stuff.. CN and CS gas require a HAZMAT Team to clean it up so it's not used very much anymore either.

Funny story though Dutch..


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## gypsyseagod (Aug 4, 2007)

military police & law enforcement still gets to get hit w/ cayenne pepper oil based spray.... what fun for a buncha bubbas that can't chase down a doughnut......  try the handler 12 after they sat @ sonic fer an hour..... and to think i might go to work for barrett corp. as a tech rep & ballistics expert...... the barrett 70 cal. recoilless rocks.....


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## chris_harper (Aug 4, 2007)

my brother is a police officer for waco pd. he told me that they had a choice as to whether or not they got tazed. 


that was funny as hell, though!


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## mikeintn (Aug 4, 2007)

I saw something similar to this on TV.  A kid had put on a bark-activated shock collar on a dare; something set it off, and the kid yelled "ouch", which of course set it off again, to which he replied again "OUCH!", which set it off AGAIN, etc etc.  The last frames of the video that I saw was the kid falling over backwards, clawing at the collar. 
	

	
	
		
		



		
		
	


	





  I sat there laughing and thinking "there's the future of our country"...


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## deejaydebi (Aug 4, 2007)

Now I can say as a kid I've been nailed by big sister with a cattle prod more than once! She was literally a real PITA!


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## smokin for life (Aug 4, 2007)

MMmmmmmm  I wonder how much the dog likes it.


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## tommy c (Aug 4, 2007)

You guys are clowns!!! Thanks for the laughs


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## Dutch (Aug 13, 2007)

Okay, first off-I do not have a stun gun, secondly I've only be married for 28 years, not 37 and no, Ma Dutch don't need no stun gun either-she shoots well enough with either one of my 9mm's.

And as I posted in my second post, I have been zapped with a stun gun in training. And lastly, the boys are still intact and in working order!


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## salbaje gato (Aug 13, 2007)

hey dutch, might i suggest a nice candlelight dinner and a night out on the town for your 29th


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## Dutch (Aug 13, 2007)

Ma Dutch and I will be spending the day at the Celtic festival in Garden City, Idaho and will be spending a romantic evening in Boise


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