# I got kicked out of wal-mart....



## pitrow

I went grocery shopping recently while not  being altogether sure that 
said course of action was a wise one. You see,  the previous evening I 
had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my  patented 'Killer 
Chili'. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being  painful, which 
comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it,  the  next day 
both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I  had awakened that morning, and even after two 
cups of coffee (and all of you  know what I mean) nothing happened. 
No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite  habanera peppers swimming their way 
through my intestinal tract, I appeared  to be unable to create the 
usual morning symphony referred to by my next  door neighbors as 
thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of  reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I 
bravely set off for the  market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I 
often haunt in search of tasty  tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a  cart 
and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't  
until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that 
the  pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm 
talking  about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that 
always seems to hit  us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was 
different.

The  habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a 
revolt. In a mad  rush for freedom they bullied their way through the 
small intestines,  forcing their way into the large intestines, and 
before I could take one  step in the direction of the restrooms which 
would bring sweet relief, it  happened. The peppers fired a warning 
shot.

There I stood, alone in  the spice and baking aisle, suddenly 
enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes  of which has never before been 
recorded. I was afraid to move for f ear that  more of this vile odor 
might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure  seemed to leave 
the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle  and out 
of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know  what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her 
reaction would be to the  malodorous effluvium that refused to 
dissipate, as she walked into it  unsuspecting. Have you ever been 
torn in two different directions  emotionally? Here's what I mean, and 
I'm sure some of you at least will be  able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply  watched as she 
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall  of odor 
so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and  
running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her 
head  as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made 
me feel  terrible, but then made me laugh. Big Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you  laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped 
down', if you know what I mean.  With each new guffaw an explosive 
issue burst forth from my nether region.  Some were so loud and 
echoing that I was later told a few folks in other  aisles had ducked, 
fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off  a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I  raced off 
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the  
whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion 
took  place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john,  
began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat 
because  my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in 
while I was in  the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and 
Awe'. He made a gagging  sound, and disgustedly said, ' Oh my Lord', 
then quickly left.

Once  finished I left t he restroom, reacquired my partially filled 
cart intending  to carry on with my shopping when a store employee 
approached me and said,  'Sir, you might want to step outside for a 
few minutes. It appears some  prankster set off a stink bomb in the 
store. The manager is going to run the  vent fans on high for a minute 
or two which ought to take care of the  problem.'

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to  escape me. 
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to  
cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner 
shouted, 'IT'S  YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the 
manager. I was  unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked 
none too kindly not to  return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was  nothing 
to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next  day 
I went to shop at Food City. I can't say anymore about that  because 
w e are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to  
have to repaint the store...


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## grillzilla

I just laughed harder than I have in years.Thank you for sharing this story.I had a similar mishap at my local Target a few years ago.I never was found out,however.


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## dingle

Very funny.....but true???


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## jack2u2

I finally picked myself up off the floor - true or not, that was some funny stuff!


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## bill-n-jeanine_fl

/agree

Too funny... not that I would ever do anything like that though *cough*


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## dmack

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Thanks for sharing.

dmack


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## bbq addict

Oh My God!!!  lmao **tears**


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## cinnamonkc

That was so funny I am crying!!!


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## dono

BAHAHAHA , you just brought back a memory of my childhood. I was out shopping with my dad, I was maybe 8 years old at the time. and as we were walking down this isle, there was a guy on a ladder changing a neon. as luck would have it, my dear old dad let one of his world renowned gas pockets loose right as we passed under this ladder. lol

all I remember is this guy up there just cussing his fool head off in french hehehehehe thanks for bringing back a memory of my dear old dad


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## supervman

This is the one I heard. 
It was told as a letter to a retired man who found himself tagging along with his wife on Walmart trips - much to his disliking. 

15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their
sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when
they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 
3'
in housewares..... and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers
you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why
can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick
your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission
Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using 
different
size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK
ME!
PICK ME!"


14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal
position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And last but not least!)

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and,
then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"


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## andy seaver

i know this is an old post but I laughed so hard I could barely finish reading it. there is nothing better than "crop-dusting" in wally world.


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## ncdodave

It took me almost 15 minutes to read this thread starter and i kept falling out of my chair. That is hugely hilarious! ROFLAMO!!! Heres another wal mart story to continue.
*Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet Soapy the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog. 

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. 
*
*The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's *** and a car hit us both. 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore*


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## krusher

thats too funny,,


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## brandsbay

Thanks guys ,you made my day,very very funny.


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## smoke_chef

I don't know if those WMT posts were as funny as I think they were or if it's because I've been up since 2 a.m..... Probably both.


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## ohiojason

I am still a legend at work as a result of a laser tag incident about 10 years ago after work. 

This place was the size of a football field , I was at about the 50 yard line when my rear end let loose a battle field stink bomb that was the worst smell that has ever come out of my body. All I heard was "was that you?" and my co-workers ran away. I was so proud, I kept the entire right flank clear for the entire game. I just stayed there, strutting around, wallering in my own stench. 

I still remember the look on a 10 year olds face as he ran up and saw me in the open. He stopped, smiled a cocky little 10yo smile because he knew he had an adult dead in the open, he took aim and paused... the smile melted off his face. He was frozen and couldn't pull the trigger. After probably 5 second over the blaring music I heard him scream "Oh my god" as he turned to run the other way.


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## fanciesmom

ROTFLMAO   Is that when you wonder to yourself - "I don't remember eating that?"

It's hard to read through the tears - geeze.


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## kingkoch42

gone


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## tyotrain




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## tom37

Dear God!!!!!   2008 to 2011  OMG lmao.......

Since everyone is offering. 

My best friend used to work at venture, 

while stocking the high shelves from a ladder, an elderly woman approches and prepares to gently tug on good old Rob's pant leg to get his attention. 

The Fog FLEW, and he said it was OMG loud too. 

He said the poor woman didnt know what to do and after 10 or 15 seconds she decided to leave the area. 

Good old Rob leaves that isle to stock on the next, trying not to laugh when the unsuspecting shoppers would take a stroll down the infected isle. 

Now for myself, while at the dollar general store at x mas, I had a tiny pocket of intestinal leak out. 

OMG I was only dating my current wife at the time. 

Guys, it was a bad bad deal. She didn't even ask, she straight up said OMG I can't believe you did that in here. 

What ever happened to innocent until proven guilty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## tom37

BTW,,,,,,,,,,Any woman that says she doesn't fart has got to be tellin a lie or on her death bed, cause if ya keep that all pinned up in side somethings gotta give.


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## ak1

Thanks! I have tears running down my face. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time!


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## jacobtia

This is hilarious!!!! I had my wife read and I thought she was going to piss herself!!!


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## bluebombersfan

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH


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## meateater

Been there done that.


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## theoldman

I'm insanely jealous!


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