# A couple more. Keep your chins up folks!



## Steve H




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## Smokin' in AZ

Pretty funny Steve...keep um comin'


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## Steve H

Smokin' in AZ said:


> Pretty funny Steve...keep um comin'



You betcha!


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## Brokenhandle

No doubt,  we all need our daily laugh!

Ryan


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## Steve H




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## TNJAKE

Lmao. Heres Johnny!


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## TNJAKE

.


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## cmayna




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## Steve H




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## tardissmoker

Steve H said:


> View attachment 436875


All the virgins are in day care!!


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## olecrosseyes

Ok, here's the latest truth, Really! 

A fellow here was cured of the Coronavirus, but  then a week later he caught it again!
Because of that they are calling it Dos Equis this time around.  

It's the truth, really,  I heard it on the internet!


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## Norwester55

If anybody wants to grow your own I can hook you up.


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## Norwester55




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## cmayna




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## tardissmoker

On day two!!!


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## gary s

Funny, Funny !!   BTW   I thought I was prolly the only one who has Jack in a spray bottle.

Gary


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## Brokenhandle

That's hilarious 

 tardissmoker
  I love it!

Ryan


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## Brokenhandle




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## HalfSmoked

Hahaha all great laughs fellows and for sure needed in the trying times we are all going through right now.

Warren


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## Steve H




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## Steve H




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## Steve H




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## Steve H




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## Steve H




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## Steve H

oh well, that didn't work!!


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## Steve H




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## tardissmoker




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## Smokin' in AZ




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## cmayna




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## Steve H




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## cmayna




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## cmayna




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## pushok2018

tardissmoker,


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## clifish

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very closely:

*"Are - my - test - results - back?"*


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## Steve H




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## Steve H




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## chilerelleno




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## chilerelleno




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## chilerelleno




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## chilerelleno




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## Steve H




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## HalfSmoked

Here's another one








Warren


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## HalfSmoked

SecondHandSmoker thanks for the like it is appreciated.

Warren


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## cmayna




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## JckDanls 07

Seen a good one the other day...  people TP'd their house ..  put a sign out front...  FOR SALE..  $1,000,000


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## HalfSmoked

Thanks for all the likes guys they are appreciated.

Warren


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## HalfSmoked

Here's another one.







Warren


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## HalfSmoked

Thanks for the likes Will Squared and Brokenhandle they are appreciated.

Warren


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## Brokenhandle




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## Smokin' in AZ




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## Smokin' in AZ




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## Smokin' in AZ

Deleted - wasn't that funny....


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## Smokin' in AZ




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## Smokin' in AZ




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## Winterrider

Smokin' in AZ said:


>



that's is awesome. . .


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## olecrosseyes

I hope I didn't double up with anyone!


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## olecrosseyes




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## HalfSmoked

Thanks for the like chile it is appreciated.

Warren


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## olecrosseyes

Thanks guys!


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## Murray




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## HalfSmoked

The Governor of Maryland enacted a mandatory mask rule. That says all persons entering a business must wear a mask and all employees of a business must wear a mask.

So do you think mine well past?









Warren


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## Will Squared

If someone doesn't like it tell them not to be so crabby.


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## HalfSmoked

Thanks Will Squared.

Warren


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## HalfSmoked

Thanks for the like Brokenhandle it is appreciated.

Warren


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## Smokin' in AZ




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## Smokin' in AZ




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## Smokin' in AZ




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## Smokin' in AZ




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## Smokin' in AZ




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## Winterrider




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## Brokenhandle

Thanks 

 Winterrider
  those both cracked me up! Glad I hadn't just taken a drink!

Ryan


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## mneeley490




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## Winterrider

Hope this makes you smile!!


Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

·       I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

·       I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

·       Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom

·       PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

·       Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

·       I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone

·       This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.

·       So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?

·       Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

·       My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

·       Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

·       I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

·       I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.

·       Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

·       Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.

·       Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under.

Keep smiling. It'll all be over, eventually.


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## olecrosseyes




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## Brokenhandle

I love it! Even made my wife laugh 

Ryan


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## olecrosseyes

It made my wife laugh too. Thanks you guys, much appreciated!


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## Steve H




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## chilerelleno

Steve H said:


> View attachment 441140


And an antiseptic mouthwash and throat spray too.


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## HalfSmoked

Thanks Guys to those that have given likes they are appreciated.

Warren


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## HalfSmoked

HalfSmoked said:


> The Governor of Maryland enacted a mandatory mask rule. That says all persons entering a business must wear a mask and all employees of a business must wear a mask.
> 
> So do you think mine well past?
> 
> 
> View attachment 440458
> 
> 
> Warren



For those of you that know anything about steamed crabs they turn red when steamed. So I guess if you get a fever the mask will turn red.

Warren


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## Winterrider




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## olecrosseyes

I like the sprouting TP!!


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## chilerelleno




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## chilerelleno




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## chilerelleno




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## chilerelleno




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## Will Squared

I have heard that there are three types of people when it comes to jokes.

There are the Creators.

The Conduits...

and the Black Holes. They hear a joke, laugh,  and it disappears.


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## johnmeyer

When the Olympics finally do happen:


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## clifish

johnmeyer said:


> When the Olympics finally do happen:
> 
> View attachment 441620


That is awesome John!


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## tx smoker

Got these, and a bunch more, from another forum member


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## tx smoker

Still have a few more 
Robert


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## cmayna




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## Winterrider




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## Winterrider




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## olecrosseyes




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## HalfSmoked

There is no pictures for this one (a good thing) They have said sunshine vitamin D and alcohol are good to help prevent the virus. So if you find me in my yard naked and drunk I'm doing medical research.  

Warren


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## tx smoker

HalfSmoked said:


> So if you find me in my yard naked and drunk I'm doing medical research.



Interesting. I guess I've been doing medical research for years and never knew it   

Robert


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## HalfSmoked

Thanks for the likes Brokenhandle and Winterrider they are appreciated.

Warren


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## Winterrider




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## Brokenhandle

OMG, I love it! Had to look at it a bit first before I saw it

Ryan


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## tx smoker

Brokenhandle said:


> OMG, I love it! Had to look at it a bit first before I saw it



Same here!! Once I saw it though I did a double take then started laughing. That's seriously funny!!

Robert


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## mneeley490




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## D.W.




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## Will Squared




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## BuckeyeSteve




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## Winterrider




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## HalfSmoked

JJS and SecondHandSmoker thanks for the likes they are appreciated.

Warren


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## Steve H




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## mneeley490




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## Winterrider

> Something for seniors to do to keep those "aging" grey cells active! And for you younger ones, to get them growing!!
> 1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?
> 2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
> 3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
> 4. How much dirt is there in a hole... that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
> 5. What word in the English Language... is always spelled incorrectly?
> 6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
> 7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
> 8. What was the President's Name...in 1975?
> 9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
> 10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
> 11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in a third field?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Here are the Answers: (No peeking!)
> 1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?
> Answer: Johnny, of course.
> 2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
> Answer: Meat.
> 3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
> Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]
> 4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
> Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.
> 5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?
> Answer: Incorrectly
> 6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
> Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.
> 7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
> Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.
> 8. What was the President's Name in 1975?
> Answer: Same as is it now – Donald Trump [Oh, come on ..]
> 9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
> Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not the person in first.
> 10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
> Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]
> 11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
> Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.


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## Steve H




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## tardissmoker




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## Steve H




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## Steve H




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## Will Squared

I wish we could go Forward to the Past...


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## Winterrider




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## Brokenhandle

That's awesome!

Ryan


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## Winterrider

Sorry, was just kinda comical.


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## johnmeyer

Winterrider said:


> Sorry, was just kinda comical.
> 
> View attachment 450825


Thanks for that one, I love blonde jokes. In fact, my favorite joke of all time is a blonde joke:

"Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M candy factory?"​​"Because she kept throwing out the W's."​
That gets me every time I think of it.


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## Winterrider




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## Brokenhandle

I love it!

Ryan


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## SmokinVOLfan




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## SmokinVOLfan




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## Winterrider




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## Brokenhandle

Ain't that the truth!

Ryan


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## SmokinVOLfan




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## SmokinVOLfan




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## JJS




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## SmokinVOLfan

THIS!! Lol


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## sawhorseray




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## BuckeyeSteve




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## Brokenhandle

Lmao! Isn't that the truth!







7 pm. Temp is 82, feels like 90, dew point is 75...and no it's not raining. Lol

Ryan


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## sawhorseray




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## SmokinVOLfan




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## Winterrider




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## sawhorseray




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## sawhorseray

Say it with me,

I will never complain about my job again. I will never complain about my job again.. I will never.....


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## SmokinVOLfan




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## sawhorseray




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## SmokinVOLfan




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## Winterrider




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## sawhorseray




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## Winterrider

Mrs. Castranova comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Anthony’s roommate is.

Throughout the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying,"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:

"Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you"did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you"did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Your Loving Son, Anthony

A few days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:

Dear son,
I'm not saying that you"do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But  the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving Mama.


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## Brokenhandle

OMG! That's funny!

Ryan


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## sawhorseray




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## Winterrider




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## bigfurmn

Sawhorseray... Couldn't have said it better!


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## sawhorseray




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## sawhorseray




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## mneeley490

The Dangerfield clip reminds me of a clip from the Simpsons.
Homer and Grandpa are in the car when it crashes into a pole and the airbags deploy.
The OnStar voice comes on and says, "This is OnStar. What's your emergency?"
Grandpa says, "All the comedians I thought were funny, are dead."


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## SmokinVOLfan




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## sawhorseray




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## sawhorseray




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## SmokinVOLfan




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## sawhorseray




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## SmokinVOLfan




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## sawhorseray




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## clifish

sawhorseray said:


> View attachment 453977


I am in perfect shape.......too bad round is the shape my body chose!!!


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## sawhorseray




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## Winterrider




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## sawhorseray




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## Winterrider




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## Winterrider

For Sale : Washer and dryer


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## sawhorseray




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## Winterrider

Ha ha, that's great Ray !


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## Winterrider




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## sawhorseray




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## SEIYGE




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## Winterrider

Bagpipes ~ its a "man thing"[/COLOR]


Lay down what's bothering you, breathe in the fresh air and read this story.



Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow
that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.



As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director
to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends,
so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man,
I didn't stop for directions.



I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and
the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left
and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.



The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my
heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played
before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began
to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my
bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.



As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything
like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.


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## JckDanls 07




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## Smokin' in AZ




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## Winterrider




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## SmokinVOLfan




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## Winterrider

Marriage is sharing

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.


Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered

(Continue below - This is great)






'THE TEETH.'


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## sawhorseray




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## Winterrider




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## Will Squared




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## sawhorseray




----------



## Winterrider

When it's hot out, but it's got to be mowed.


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## sawhorseray




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## Will Squared

Can you smoke mice?


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## johnmeyer

Will Squared said:


> Can you smoke mice?


I don't know, but you sure can grill them. They keep getting into the grease trap of my Weber.


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## sawhorseray




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## mneeley490

sawhorseray said:


> View attachment 458063


I was thinking C-SPAN. Ratings would go thru the roof.


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## sawhorseray




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## chilerelleno

mneeley490 said:


> I was thinking C-SPAN. Ratings would go thru the roof.


Tru'dat!
I'd be watching.


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## SmokinVOLfan




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## JLeonard

sawhorseray
  What kinda rub would you put on 10lbs of mice?
Jim


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## sawhorseray

JLeonard said:


> What kinda rub would you put on 10lbs of mice? Jim



I'm thinking dehydrated smoked fleas might work well! RAY


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## sawhorseray




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## sawhorseray




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## sawhorseray




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## sawhorseray




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## sawhorseray

Let's go boating they said! It'll be fun they said!


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## chilerelleno

Hope he was insured.


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## Brokenhandle

chilerelleno said:


> Hope he was insured.


Can't really see but is that the SS Minnow?

Ryan


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## chilerelleno

Coast Guard rescues 5 people, dog from sinking 52-foot boat in Saginaw Bay
					

A salvage crew is working to raise the sunken boat.




					www.mlive.com
				












						Coast Guard rescues 5 people, dog from sinking boat on Saginaw Bay
					

The Coast Guard crew quickly rescued the person out of the water and brought the four other people with the dog aboard the rescue boat.




					www.abc12.com


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## sawhorseray

At least they saved the dog! RAY


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## sawhorseray




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## Smokin' in AZ




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## sawhorseray




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## sawhorseray

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me, buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time...


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## sawhorseray




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## sawhorseray

A little something for now kids
































More later, we don't want to overload! RAY


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## SmokinVOLfan




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## chilerelleno

sawhorseray said:


> View attachment 459931


 LMAO!
If you think the bridge is funny come down to Dauphin Island, Alabama, ee have a large fishing pier that's over dry sand, once upon a time it had the Gulf of Mexico underneath it.


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## sawhorseray




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## Brokenhandle

That's funny! And oh so true

Ryan


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## Hawging It




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## sawhorseray




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## SmokinVOLfan




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## sawhorseray




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## SmokinVOLfan




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## sawhorseray




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## sawhorseray




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## daveomak

Winterrider said:


> Mrs. Castranova comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Anthony’s roommate is.
> 
> Throughout the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
> 
> Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''
> 
> About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying,"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
> 
> "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:
> 
> "Dear Mama,
> I'm not saying that you"did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you"did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
> 
> Your Loving Son, Anthony
> 
> A few days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
> 
> Dear son,
> I'm not saying that you"do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But  the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
> 
> Your Loving Mama.



...............*Maria*..........


----------



## Winterrider

A Scottish Golf Story
John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn. They loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”

‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn. 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

‘She just died and left me everything.'


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?...
You know you smiled ... now keep that smile for the rest of the day!!!)


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## Winterrider




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## sawhorseray




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## sawhorseray




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## sawhorseray




----------



## Winterrider




----------



## chilerelleno




----------



## sawhorseray




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## sawhorseray




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## sawhorseray




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## sawhorseray




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## sawhorseray




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## Will Squared

sawhorseray said:


> View attachment 462525
> View attachment 462520
> View attachment 462521
> View attachment 462522
> View attachment 462523
> View attachment 462524


The first one about Coffee  hit me hard.
We got evacuated last night because of the Bear Fire Complex. 
Oroville here. 
We evaced to our Daughter in Chico and I snook back in past CHP to set our animals up with food. I hooked up my lap top to see if we had WIFI (our generator is running) 
First thing that pops up is the Coffee meme 
and I just sat down with my first Real cup of the day. 
Now I can face the rest of my day.
 ahhhhh...


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## noboundaries

Will Squared said:


> The first one about Coffee  hit me hard.
> We got evacuated last night because of the Bear Fire Complex.
> Oroville here.
> We evaced to our Daughter in Chico and I snook back in past CHP to set our animals up with food. I hooked up my lap top to see if we had WIFI (our generator is running)
> First thing that pops up is the Coffee meme
> and I just sat down with my first Real cup of the day.
> Now I can face the rest of my day.
> ahhhhh...


Stay safe, friend.


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## Winterrider




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## chilerelleno




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## chilerelleno




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## chilerelleno




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## chilerelleno




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## sawhorseray




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## chilerelleno




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## sawhorseray




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## chilerelleno




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## chilerelleno




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## sawhorseray

I hate monkeys, clowns too! RAY


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## sawhorseray




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## sawhorseray




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## sawhorseray

A guy was driving around and he saw a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog For Sale.” He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard.
The guy went into the backyard and saw a German shepherd sitting there.
“You talk?” he asked.
“Yep,” the dog replied.
“So, what’s your story?"
The German shepherd looked up and said, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help America, so I told the CIA about my gift. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.”
“But the jetting around really tired me out. I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.”
“I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a bunch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy was amazed. He went back in and asked the owner what he wanted for the dog.
“Ten dollars,” said the owner.
“Ten dollars? That dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because that dog’s a liar. He never did any of that stuff.”


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## sawhorseray




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## sawhorseray




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## JJS




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## sawhorseray




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## sawhorseray




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## HalfSmoked




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## sawhorseray




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## HalfSmoked

Thanks for the likes Brokenhandle and Winterrider they are appreciated.

Warren


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## wbf610

yesterday I volunteered for the vaccine trials for Covid-19.  The vaccine I got was created in Russia. I received my first shot yesterday at 4:00 pm, and I wanted to let you all know that it’s completely safe, with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно и я думаю, что вытащил ослиные уши.


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## sawhorseray




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## HalfSmoked

Thanks for the likes Willsquared they are appreciated.

Warren


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## Will Squared

HalfSmoked said:


> Thanks for the likes Willsquared they are appreciated.
> 
> Warren


That's no problem...
just keep up with the funnies...


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## JLeonard

Nice set of laughs for a Monday morning!
Jim


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## HalfSmoked

Thanks for the like JLeonard it is appreciated.

Warren


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## HalfSmoked

Thanks for the like wbf610 it is appreciated.

Warren


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## sawhorseray




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## GaryHibbert

You're on a real roll, Ray.  Some very funny jokes in these posts.
Gary[/QUOTE]


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## GaryHibbert

You guys are killing me.  What a bunch of great jokes.
Gary


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## sawhorseray




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## HalfSmoked

Thanks for the like Gary Hibbert it is appreciated.

Warren


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## Winterrider

That camper rig is something else. Ha ha !


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## chilerelleno




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## chilerelleno

Winterrider said:


> That camper rig is something else. Ha ha !


That kind of camper setup is actually ideal for many open wilderness areas, keeps you away from critters and makes observation easier.
There are commercially made roof mounted or otherwise elevated tents/popups,


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## GaryHibbert

Love the nun joke Ray.  Gonna forward it to my sister-in-law.  She went to a Catholic school run by nuns, and can relate.
Gary


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## GaryHibbert

Good jokes Chile.  I might have to take up pole dancing.    .
Gary


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## GaryHibbert

These are pretty bad, but I did like the last one.
Gary



WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP?   A lexophile of course!


• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!


• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.


• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.


• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.


• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.


• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.


• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.


• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.


• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.


• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.


• When chemists die, they barium.


• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.


• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.


• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.


• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?


• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.


• Broken pencils are pointless.


• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.


• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.


• Velcro - what a rip off!


• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.


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## Steve H

Haven't added to this in awhile.


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## smokerjim

sawhorseray said:


> View attachment 464583
> View attachment 464584


that is no joke, i went to catholic school in grade school and some of those nuns loved to whack us across the knuckles with those and their pointers when we acted up, or if it was really bad they would take ya in the closet and put ya across their knee. they would probably be in jail today, i think some of them were some angry people.


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## noboundaries

It wasn't just nuns. I got my hide tanned by CA and TN public school teachers more times than I can remember. Thick half-meter sticks were their weapons of choice, though homemade paddles and leather straps were used, too. One teacher whacked me over the head with a dictionary. First time I actually saw swirling stars. I thought it was fascinating. 

Trust me, I deserved most of it for being disruptive. I was so friggin' bored. Can't happen today, but it was normal for me growing up in the 60's and early 70's.


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## smokerjim

noboundaries said:


> It wasn't just nuns. I got my hide tanned by CA and TN public school teachers more times than I can remember. Thick half-meter sticks were their weapons of choice, though homemade paddles and leather straps were used, too. One teacher whacked me over the head with a dictionary. First time I actually saw swirling stars. I thought it was fascinating.
> 
> Trust me, I deserved most of it for being disruptive. I was so friggin' bored. Can't happen today, but it was normal for me growing up in the 60's and early 70's.


guess maybe it made us better people or maybe just a little tougher,


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## sawhorseray

I went to a Christian Brothers boarding school for grade 7-8-9. Believe me, those guys hit a LOT harder than a old woman. RAY


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## chilerelleno

LOL.. Another parochial school kid here, kindergarten through fourth grade, besides a general education we were taught all the Roman Catholic doctrine, did our first communion and everything.
We were taught by Nuns and ruthlessly disciplined by them too, no old women there, they were young to middle aged and strong.
St. Columba Catholic School in Serra Mesa, San Diego, CA, had a convent and church on the grounds
It really was a first class education compared to California public schools.
I'll say this though...  Thank God I never became an Altar Boy.


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## Winterrider

Irish Joke.

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly .... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.


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## sawhorseray

Doctors at the World Health Organization have determined that dogs cannot contract the Coronavirus, and have ordered that all dogs previously held in quarantine be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

The Judge read the charges then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?" "No sir, your honor sir", replied Bob, "I got a lawyer to do the defendin', I'm the guy who done it."

A warship at sea spots a light dead ahead in it's path, so they radio to the unidentified vessel, "Divert your course .5 degrees to the South to avoid collision." Came the response, "Recommend _you_ divert _your _course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision." The warship in anger replies, "I say again, divert your course .5 degrees to the South to avoid collision, we are an aircraft carrier and a 365,000 metric ton warship, DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!" Reply, "This is a lighthouse, your call."

 There was an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through vet school by working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation he decided that he could combine his two vocations to better serve the community while doubling his practice, and therefore his income. He opened his own office with a sign installed that read, _Dr Jones Veterinary Medicine & Taxidermy_, _either way you get your dog back._

An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"


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## Hawging It




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## GaryHibbert

Hawging it, those are perfect examples of "Better living through our friends at DuPont Chemicals"
Gary


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## GaryHibbert

Steve H said:


> Haven't added to this in awhile.
> 
> View attachment 464715
> View attachment 464716
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Beam me aboard  
Gary


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