# Weekend Allotment



## sawhorseray (Apr 24, 2021)

Irish Confession:

"I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.
"Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.
"On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
"When the priest came  in, I said to him, 'Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since  I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is  much more inviting than it used to be.'"
He replied, "Patrick, you moron, you're on my side."



Meet Madam Jeanne Louise Calment, who had the longest confirmed human lifespan: 122 years, 164 days. Apparently, fate strongly approved of the way she lived her life. She was born in Arles, France, on February 21, 1875. The Eiffel Tower was built when she was 14 years old. It was at this time she met Vincent van Gogh. "He was dirty, badly dressed, and disagreeable," she recalled in an interview given in 1988.
When she was 85, she took up fencing, and still rode her bike when she reached 100. At the age of 114, she starred in a film about her life, at age 115 she had an operation on her hip, and at age 117 she gave up smoking, having started at the age of 21 in 1896. She didn't give it up for health reasons; her reason was that she didn't like having to ask someone to help her light a cigarette once she was nearly blind.
In 1965, Jeanne was 90 years old and had no heirs. She signed a deal to sell her apartment to a 47-year-old lawyer called André-François Raffray. He agreed to pay her a monthly sum of 2,500 francs on the condition he would inherit her apartment after she died. However, Raffray not only ended up paying Jeanne for 30 years, but then died before she did at the age of 77. His widow was legally obliged to continue paying Madam Calment until the end of her days.
Jeanne retained sharp mental faculties. When she was asked on her 120th birthday what kind of future she expected to have. Her reply, "A very short one."
Here are the Rules of Life from Jeanne Louise Calment:

"I'm in love with wine."
"All babies are beautiful."
"I think I will die of laughter."
"I've been forgotten by our Good Lord."
"I've got only one wrinkle, and I'm sitting on it."
"I never wear mascara; I laugh until I cry often."
"If you can't change something, don't worry about it."
"Always keep your smile. That's how I explain my long life."
"I see badly, I hear badly, and I feel bad, but everything's fine."
"I have a huge desire to live and a big appetite, especially for sweets."
"I have legs of iron, but to tell you the truth, they're starting to rust and buckle a bit."
"I took pleasure when I could. I acted clearly and morally and without regret. I'm very lucky."
“Being young is a state of mind, it doesn’t depend on one’s body. I’m actually still a young girl, it's just that I haven't looked so good for the past 70 years."

At the end of one interview, the journalist said, "Madame, I hope we will meet again sometime next year." To which Jeanne replied, "Why not? You're not that old; you'll still be here!


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## JLeonard (Apr 24, 2021)

[QUOT
View attachment 493848


[/QUOTE]
2 thoughts.......
1. the prices have gone down.
2. Home Depot will do anything to make a buck.
Jim


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## GaryHibbert (Apr 24, 2021)

This is your best batch so far, Jim!!  I was laughing my head off.  Love the "knock knock".
My computer loves this batch so much that it froze up and wouldn't let me leave.  
Gary


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## JLeonard (Apr 24, 2021)

GaryHibbert said:


> This is your best batch so far, Jim!!  I was laughing my head off.  Love the "knock knock".
> My computer loves this batch so much that it froze up and wouldn't let me leave.
> Gary


I cant take credit for these. This is all 

 sawhorseray

Jim


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## MJB05615 (Apr 24, 2021)

All great Ray!  Love the defective condoms one.


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## sawhorseray (Apr 24, 2021)

JLeonard said:


> I cant take credit for these. This is all
> 
> sawhorseray
> Jim



We probably look a lot alike Jim!


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## Bearcarver (Apr 24, 2021)

More Great ones, Ray!!

Thanks,
Bear


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## smokeymose (Apr 24, 2021)

Thanks for the chuckles!
As usual, I can't pick a favorite....
Dan


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## checkdude (Apr 24, 2021)

LOL!,so many good ones. Hard to choose just one. Thanks.


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## TNJAKE (Apr 24, 2021)

sawhorseray said:


> We probably look a lot alike Jim!


That's scary


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## sawhorseray (Apr 24, 2021)

TNJAKE said:


> That's scary



Gee Jake, is there something about Jim I ought to know? RAY


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## robrpb (Apr 24, 2021)

A lot of good ones Ray. I like the mail truck in the cemetary and remove child before washing and Batman and...

Rob


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## 912smoker (Apr 24, 2021)

Love them all . The family reunion one........true AND funny ! Thanks for the laughs


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## Winterrider (Apr 24, 2021)

Those are great Ray, thanks !


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## GaryHibbert (Apr 25, 2021)

JLeonard said:


> I cant take credit for these. This is all
> 
> sawhorseray
> 
> Jim


Jesus wept.  I really must be getting old.  I KNEW it was Ray posted this.  Have no idea where "Jim" came from.     
Gary


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## sawhorseray (Apr 25, 2021)

GaryHibbert said:


> Jesus wept.  I really must be getting old.  I KNEW it was Ray posted this.  Have no idea where "Jim" came from.      Gary



No problem Gary, I KNEW it was all age related! RAY


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## Lant-ern (Apr 25, 2021)

Thank you Ray.
Another outstanding use of humour to help us through this Covid Sh*t we are facing ....Ernie
PS. Your posts have lightened the mood of a lot of people.


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## sawhorseray (Apr 25, 2021)

Who in the hell is Ernie? See what you started Gary? I don't care, I'm here for the confusion! RAY


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