# OLD FARMER



## aussie rod (Dec 6, 2012)

*The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. *

*Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.*

*Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'*

*Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.*


*Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'*

*Don't ever underestimate old guys.*


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## aussie rod (Dec 6, 2012)

*Notice in a farmer's field:*
*THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.*


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## aussie rod (Dec 6, 2012)

*A FARMER DECIDED* *HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR*

*SHOULDER?"*


*THE OLD FARMER SAID,
"THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK.*

*WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT
"WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER*

*AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS.*

*THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH,*





*BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.
 
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO*

*TWO OLD WIDOWS*

*NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.*

*THE MOVIE STARTED*

*AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. . .*

*THE OLD FARMER*
*UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO*

*CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT*

*AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME*

*IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND*

*HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE..*

*"AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,*

*"BUT THIS ONE'S*

*EATIN' MY POPCORN...!*


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## aussie rod (Dec 6, 2012)

*Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him “Where am I ?” The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You can't fool me, you're in that basket up there."*


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## aussie rod (Dec 6, 2012)

A farmer in Yorkshire sees a bloke drinking from his stream and shouts:
"Ey up cocker, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta frum theer, its full o hoss piss an cow shite." 


The bloke says: "Sir, I am from Pakistan , can you be speaking clearer, and slower please." 


The farmer replies: "If... you... use... two... hands... you... won't... spill... any."


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## aussie rod (Dec 6, 2012)

*A   farmer   named   Van   was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in   Limpopo **  when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young   black  man in a n     Armani   suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the   farmer **, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'*

*Van **  looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..

Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the   farmer **  and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says   Van **.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then   Van   says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'*

! *The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're Julius Malema, head of the Youth League for the   ANC Party', says   Van .

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.', answered the   farmer . 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . Now give me back my dog.*


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## aussie rod (Dec 6, 2012)

An elderly man in Queensland  had owned a large farm for several years.  

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly  shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and pear trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with  glee.  

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women  skinny-dipping in his pond. 

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' 

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile ...'

Some old men can still think fast!!!


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## aussie rod (Dec 6, 2012)

*A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.*

*In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus. *

*'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm  fine?'asked the solicitor. *

*Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '  *

*'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'  *

*Angus said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into datrailer and I was drivin' down da road..... '*

*The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine.*

*Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '*  

*By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.*

*Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her  down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side.. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. *

*By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you  feelin'?'  

'Now wot da flip would you say?'*


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## aussie rod (Dec 6, 2012)

Two Virginia rednecks are out hunting,  and as they are  walking along they come upon a huge hole  in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the  size of it. The  first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see  the bottom. I wonder how deep it is." The  second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit  bottom." The  first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and  see". So they pick it up and carry it over,  and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are  standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn  around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to  the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head  first. While  they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old  farmer walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers  didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did  you?"

The  first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out  of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and  jumped headfirst into this hole here!" The old  farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"


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## aussie rod (Dec 6, 2012)

*THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE*

  

*A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.*

  

*On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.*

  

*While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'*

  

*The farmer said, 'Well, as a matt er of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'*

  

*The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'*

  

*'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.*

  

*On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'*

  

*The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'*

*The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'*

  

*The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.*


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## aussie rod (Dec 6, 2012)

_A farmer's wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving her shepherd a drink. As she handed him his glass, she said it was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. "Weel, mistress," said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully, "It's very small for its age."_


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## aussie rod (Dec 6, 2012)

*Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of his old red Massey Ferguson.*

*Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first to the right, then to the  left.
  
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .
 
Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his cap on to a pile of hay.

"What on earth are you doing, Mick?" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the  livin  daylights out of me!" says an obviously embarrassed Mick. "But me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor!"*


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## aussie rod (Dec 6, 2012)

*In summary‚ the police arrested Patrick Lawrence‚ 22 year old white male‚ in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. On Friday night.*

*On Monday‚ at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse‚ Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour‚ public indecency‚ and public intoxication.*

*The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop‚ 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside‚ and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road‚ picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose‚ cut a hole in it‚ and proceeded to satisfy his alleged**�**need.**�** 'Guess I was really**�**into**�**it‚ you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed‚**�** Lawrence **�**failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation‚ that's for sure‚' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to**�** Lawrence **�**and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached**�** Lawrence .
'I said‚ 'Excuse me sir‚ but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?
'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there‚ and then he looked me straight in the face and said...
'A pumpkin?**�** Shit .... Is it midnight already?'

This was in the**�** Washington **�**Post...the title of the article was 'Best Come Back Line Ever.'*


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## aussie rod (Dec 6, 2012)

*You know there are so many TV channels, each one starved for new programs.   *

*In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.*

*The interview went as follows:*  

*The lady reporter:*   *I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.    Can you offer any reason for this disease?*  

*The farmer stared at the reporter and said …*

*Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?

Reporter:  (obviously embarrassed):  Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?

Farmer:  Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?

Reporter:  Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?

Farmer:*   *I am getting to the point, Miss.  Just imagine, if I was playing with your t^& twice a day .... and only loving you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?*


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## aussie rod (Dec 6, 2012)

*The NSW Government and the NSW Greens were presenting an alternative to NSW Farmers for controlling the dingo   population. *
  *It seems that after years of the farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a more humane solution.
  
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled.
 
This was actually  proposed to the NSW Farmers and Graziers Association by the NSW Government and the NSW Greens. All of the farmers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
 
Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said,*  *"Son, I don't think you understand our problem.... those dingos ain't floving' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!"*

*Guess the same goes for wolves *


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## daveomak (Dec 6, 2012)

...
	

	
	
		
		



		
			






....


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## rabbithutch (Dec 6, 2012)

Good 'uns, Rod!

Keep 'em comin' !


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## aussie rod (Dec 6, 2012)

*An Old Farmer's Advice*:

** Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight
and bull-strong. *

** Keep roos and bankers at a
distance. *

** Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a
John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner
than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a
grudge. *

** You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't*

*never gonna happen anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best
answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get
older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't*

*botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a*

*rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever
have to deal with, watches you from *

*the mirror every mornin'.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a
lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot
easier than puttin' it back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some
influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.*


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## aussie rod (Dec 6, 2012)

ANOTHER VERSION.

*"Old  Farmer's Advice"  *    
_“Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”    

“Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.”  

“Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”  

“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”

“Words that soak into your ears are whispered…....not yelled.”  

“Meanness don't just happen overnight.”  

“Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.”  

“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”  

“It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.”   

“You cannot unsay a cruel word.”  

“Every path has a few puddles.”  

“When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”   

“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”

“Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.”  

“Don't judge folks by their relatives.  

“Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.”  

“Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.”   

“Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.”   

“Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”   

“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.”  

“Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.   

“The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.”_

_“Always drink upstream from the herd.”_

_"Girls don't squat with spurs on"_

_"Boys don't piss into the wind."_

_"You will learn more listening than talking."_

_"Work hard, play hard, love well and be thnkful you can." 

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”  

“Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.”  

“If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.”  

“Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.”  

“Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.”_

*And**......................................... **  *

_          SOME DAYS ALL YOU CAN DO IS  SMILE AND WAIT FOR SOME KIND SOUL TO COME AND PULL YOUR BUTT OUT OF A BIND YOU HAVE GOT YOUR SELF INTO                            _


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## aussie rod (Dec 6, 2012)

*A ROOSTER CALLED JACOB *
*Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Jacob, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Jacob's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Jacob had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Jacob, he entered him in the Polokwane Country Fair and Jacob became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded Jacob the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well.

Clearly Jacob was a Pulletician in the making: Who else but a Pulletician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you perhaps know of a Pulletician called Jacob?*


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## aussie rod (Dec 6, 2012)

A plane crashed in the middle of rural Tennessee .

 Panic  stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in  force.

 When  they got there, the disaster was  clear.

  
The  aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering  in a tree line that bordered a  farm.
 

The  sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains  of anyone.

 
They  spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had  happened.

 
They  hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled,  panting and out of breath. " Did you see this terrible accident  happen?".

"Yep. Sure did." the farmer mumbled unconcernedly,  cutting off the tractor's  engine.

"Do you realize  that is the airplane of the President of the United  States ?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope.  They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them  all myself. Took me most of the morning.."

"President Obama is  dead?" the sheriff shouted.

"Well," the farmer grumbled,  restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't... But you know how  bad that sumbitch lies."


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## aussie rod (Dec 6, 2012)

*How Dry Is It In Texas?*

A buddy out of Longview Tx.  said he'd killed a mosquito that was carrying a canteen.

A man in Dime Box Tx.  said the chicken farmers were giving the chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

In Lake Palestine Tx. , they caught a 20 lb catfish that had ticks on it!

But just this week, in Bryan Tx., a fire hydrant was seen bribing a dog.

It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

Now THAT's Dry!


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## aussie rod (Dec 6, 2012)

*Aussie Poem
 
The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams
 
He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."
 
The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.
He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.
 
He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam
 
The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.
 
She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.
 
The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away,
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But neither was he ready for what he was soon to see.
 
He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"
 
The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!*
*   *


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## aussie rod (Dec 6, 2012)

*I  became confused when I heard the word "Service" **used with these agencies:*

*Internal Revenue  'Service'  
U.S. Postal  'Service' 
Telephone 'Service' 
Cable TV 'Service'   
Civil  'Service' 
State, City, County & Public 'Service' 
Customer 'Service' *

*This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows. BAM!!!  It all came into focus.  Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.   *

*You are now as enlightened as I am!*


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## aussie rod (Dec 6, 2012)

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The Old Farmers Prayer[/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Time just keeps moving on
Many years have come and gone
But I grow older without regret
My hopes are in what may come yet.[/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]On the farm I work each day
This is where I wish to stay
I watch the seeds each season sprout
From the soil as the plants rise out.[/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I study Nature and I learn
To know the earth and feel her turn
I love her dearly and all the seasons
For I have learned her secret reasons.[/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]All that will live is in the bosom of earth
She is the loving mother of all birth
But all that lives must pass away
And go back again to her someday.[/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]My life too will pass from Earth
But do not grieve, I say, there will be other birth
When my body is old and all spent
And my soul to heaven has went.[/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Please compost and spread me on this plain
So my body Mother Earth can claim
That is where I wish to be
Then Nature can nourish new life with me.[/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]So do not for me grieve and weep
I did not leave, I only sleep
I am with the soil here below
Where I can nourish life of beauty and glow.[/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Here I can help the falling rain
Grow golden fields of ripening grain
From here I can join the winds that blow
And meet the softly falling snow.[/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Here I can help the sun’s warming light
Grow food for birds of gliding flight
I can be in the beautiful flowers of spring
And in every other lovely thing.[/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]So do not for me weep and cry
I am here, [/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I do not die[/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]By MALCOLM BECK with ROBERT TATE [/font]


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## aussie rod (Dec 6, 2012)

*OLD FARMERS PRAYER -EndTitle-*
 

-BeginPoem-An old farmer knelt one night
to say his night time prayer
to thank God for all the blessings
He showered on him
and for showing that he cared
his shirt was faded blue and thin
and his overalls had patches on both knees
there was a hole in one pocket
and he needed a new pair of boots
but he seemed to be at ease
Well he laid his head down gently
upon that old feather bed
he took a deep breath, and sighed a sigh
and this is what he said

Lord, if you up there, please hear me out
cause I want you to hear me good
I ain't good at saying this kind of stuff
and you know I ain't
but I've always tried to please you
so iffin you ain't too busy
would you take a couple of minutes and listen

I want to thank ye for my good health
and the good report from the doctor the other day
you know I was worried
I want to thank ye for my Sarah
that's my good wife, dear Lord
in case ye didn't know
and she's been a good one
for nearly fifty five years
together we brung up eleven kids and they all
be doing right good
for themselves
and I thank ye fer that

Thank ye Lord for them thirty eight grand kids
well they's only thirty seven now
Jim, he got his self killed over there in Iraq
a fighting fer them people that ain't thankful at all
but ye know all about that, don't ye Lord
I can almost see him now
walking by them pearly gates, we sure do miss him Lord
his Grand ma and me
and his Ma and Pa

Thank ye for our little home and this here old
pleasant home stead
It ain't much to some folks, but it shore is good enough fer us
Hit's been home now fer nearly fifty years
and I want yer to know, we've been happy here
cause we know it came from you
Thank ye for all, Sarah's good cookin'
I been gettin' fatter'n a hog on it
I don't believe they be anything she can't cook
Iffen Lord, ye could just come down and taste it
You'd know just what I mean
Thank ye fer all that good food she canned this summer
all lined up on the shelves in the shed
and thank ye Lord fer the shed

The garden came in good this summer
it was enough fer us and enough fer us to share with our kids
and our neighbors
Thank ye Lord fer that rich black dirt that growed it
and thank ye fer sending the rain, we shore was glad to see it
but Lord, ye knowed that already
Thank ye fer the field full of hay and the new spring calves
Thank ye fer the milk cow
and the old horse
and thank ye Lord fer the old settin hen and all them biddies
we'll have eggs and chicken fer a while

I thank ye Lord fer that little old
fishing hole
and the woods that's filled with critters to eat
thank ye fer that old double barreled shot gun
and fer a sure fire aim to shoot 'em
Thank ye fer the hogs and the smoke house
full of fresh smoked meat
and thanks fer the hogs we could sell
so's we had the money to patch the roof
on the old barn
You shore been good to us Lord
really good

And when all our family gathers fer dinner
on Sunday's
thank ye fer all the laughter and the love
Thank ye fer all the playing kids
and the great grands on the way
Oh, we be so proud of all them healthy youngins'
My Sarah and me
I'll ask a favor Lord for every one, if ye can spare it
Please give every one of us a special blessing

I ask this in Jesus name
Amen

And this one last thing, Lord
I ask ye kindly and iffen ye see fit
could ye help me git up off this here floor
my old knees sure do get stiff
here of late
Thank ye Lord 
 ​


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## aussie rod (Dec 6, 2012)

There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. A gay guy applied for the job and was hired. He turned out to be fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night went to town. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand, two-thirty, in came the hired hand. The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she asked.

"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as she asked.
"Now," she said, "Take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down.

Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!"


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## aussie rod (Dec 6, 2012)

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large." Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look, "What, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"


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## aussie rod (Dec 6, 2012)

One day a salesman stopped by the Jammer Jones farm, knocked, and Jammer's wife Frannie came to the door.

"Is your husband home, Ma'am?" he asked.
"Sure is. He's over t'cow barn."
"Well, I have some important items to show him, Ma'am. Will I have any difficulty finding him?"
"Shouldn't...He's the one with the beard and mustache."


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## aussie rod (Dec 6, 2012)

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

-----

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

-----

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.

"Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.

"Yeth." lisped the farmer.

Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

-----

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."


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## aussie rod (Dec 6, 2012)

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."


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## aussie rod (Dec 6, 2012)

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

-----

A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.

"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied.

A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.

"Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems." "Problems?" asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."

-----

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull." Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"


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