Puns Intended

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by rivet, May 25, 2009.

  1. rivet

    rivet Master of the Pit OTBS Member

    1. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

    He acquired his size from too much pi.

    2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island;
    but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

    3. She was only a whisky maker;
    but he loved her still.

    4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class
    because it was a weapon of math disruption.

    5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder
    and got a little behind in his work.

    6. No matter how much you push the envelope,
    it'll still be stationery.

    7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
    and was cited for littering.

    8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
    Linoleum Blownapart.

    9. Two silk worms had a race.
    They ended up in a tie.

    10. Time flies like an arrow.
    Fruit flies like a banana.

    11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
    The police are looking into it.

    12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
    One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

    14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
    Then it hit me.

    15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
    'Keep off the Grass.'

    16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
    When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was,
    a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

    17. A chicken crossing the road
    is poultry in motion.

    18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle,
    he just didn't have the balls to do it.

    19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was
    a small medium at large.

    20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now
    a seasoned veteran.

    21. A backward poet
    writes inverse.

    22. In democracy it's your vote that counts.
    In feudalism it's your count that votes.

    23. When cannibals ate a missionary,
    they got a taste of religion.

    24. Don't join dangerous cults:
    Practice safe sects
  2. tasunkawitko

    tasunkawitko Master of the Pit OTBS Member

    some good ones there!
  3. bigsteve

    bigsteve Master of the Pit

    I entered a pun contest at the local newspaper. I submitted 10 different puns. I thought sure I'd win, but I was devastated when no pun in ten did.
  4. irishteabear

    irishteabear Master of the Pit OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    Loved them! Thanks, I needed a good laugh today.
  5. rivet

    rivet Master of the Pit OTBS Member


  6. smokingscooby

    smokingscooby Smoking Fanatic

    Good ones [​IMG][​IMG]
  7. the iceman

    the iceman Smoking Fanatic

    Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire.
    Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

    A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
    The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

    A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.
    Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

    A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.
    When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas"


    And for this one I apologize in advance...

    Mahatma Gandhi, as you may know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

    He also ate very little, which made him rather frail; and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
    This made him what?

    A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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