Patented Chili (R)

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by coyote, May 5, 2008.

  1. coyote

    coyote Master of the Pit

    I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that
    course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
    prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely
    going to $h!t yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful,
    which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day
    both of your ***** cheeks WILL fall off.

    Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of
    coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's
    Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my
    intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning
    symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

    Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just w hen, I
    bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often
    haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

    Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and
    began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was
    at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
    Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
    referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the
    wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

    The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a
    mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,
    forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one
    step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it
    happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

    There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a
    noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was
    afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly,
    oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I
    began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned
    into it.

    I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction
    would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she
    walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different
    directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at
    least will be able to relate.

    I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked
    into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible
    that all she could do bef ore gathering her senses and running, was to stand
    there blinking and waving her arms about h er head as though trying to ward
    off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me
    laugh. Mistake.

    Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down",
    if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth
    from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a
    few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the
    store and firing off a shotgun.

    Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through
    the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying
    that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

    Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the
    inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my *** is
    burn ing SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle
    of what is the true m eaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and
    disgustedly said, "Sonofa*****!", then quickly left.

    Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
    intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me
    and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears
    some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to
    run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of
    the problem."

    That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The
    employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose
    and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off
    returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted
    from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

    Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat
    but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to
    shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court
    over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the
  2. travcoman45

    travcoman45 Master of the Pit OTBS Member

    Christ thats a good un!
  3. smokin out the neighbors

    smokin out the neighbors Smoking Fanatic SMF Premier Member

    That's great.
  4. buzzard

    buzzard Smoking Fanatic OTBS Member

    i just wanna know what that recipe is!
  5. abelman

    abelman Master of the Pit OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    LMAO x 2, excellent!
  6. kookie

    kookie Master of the Pit OTBS Member

    Thats awsome.....................Good one.......................
  7. seboke

    seboke Master of the Pit OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    Had to read it twice to make sure I didn't miss anything in my laughing fits!
  8. 1894

    1894 Smoking Fanatic SMF Premier Member

    Coffee on the keyboard [​IMG]
  9. chrome

    chrome Smoke Blower

    Oh that's a good one!
    I make Habanero Chili also, so I know exactly what you are talking about.
  10. fatback joe

    fatback joe Master of the Pit OTBS Member

    Thanks for not mentioning me by name in the story. [​IMG]

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