My Trip To Home Depot

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by freefam1, Mar 10, 2012.

  1. I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course
    of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive
    quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to crap yourself road-kill
    chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a
    written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your
    butt cheeks WILL fall off..

    Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of
    you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement.
    Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was
    unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as
    'thunder and lightning'.

    Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I
    bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to
    refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.
    I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for
    purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets
    that the pain hit me.

    Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.
    I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, crap, gotta go' pain that always seems to
    hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
    The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt.
    In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
    intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could
    take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet
    relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.

    There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in
    a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.
    I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
    Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
    body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned
    clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

    I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction
    would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.
    Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?
    Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to
    relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't.
    I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently
    indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before
    gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving
    his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.
    This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.
    .......BIG mistake!!!!!

    Here's the thing.
    When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I
    mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region.
    Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other
    aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing
    off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.
    'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet,
    laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the
    grand explosion took place. Luck was on my side.
    Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my
    God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD,
    purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true
    meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it
    smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

    Once finished and I left the restroom, re acquired my partially filled cart
    intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me
    and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.
    It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
    The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which
    ought to take care of the problem.'

    My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape
    me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his
    nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then
    ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly
    not to return.

    Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat
    but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes.
    I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole
    matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
     
  2. terry colwell

    terry colwell Smoking Fanatic

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