Habanero Revenge

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by mco, Dec 1, 2011.

  1. mco

    mco Smoke Blower


      DO NOT read  this if you have to  pee....
    >
    >
    > I went to the Home Depot  recently while not being altogether sure
    > that course  of action was a wise one. You see, the previous  evening
    > I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity  of my patented 'you're
    > definitely going to P**  yourself' roadkill chili. Tasty stuff,
    > albeit hot to  the point of being painful, which comes with a written
    > guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day  both of your butt
    > cheeks WILL fall off.
    >
    > Here's the thing. I had  awakened that morning, and even after two
    > cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.. No
    > 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera  peppers swimming their way
    > through my intestinal  tract, I was unable to create the usual morning
    > symphony referred to  by my dear wife as 'thunder and  lightning'.
    > Knowing that a time
    > of reckoning HAD to  come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set
    > off for the Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the
    > den.
    >
    > Upon entering the store at  first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
    > and began  pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It  wasn't
    > until I was at the opposite end of the store  from the restrooms that
    > the pain hit me. Oh, don't  look at me like you don't know what I'm
    > talking about.  I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, p**, gotta go'
    > pain  that always seems to hit us
    > at the wrong time. The  thing is, this pain was different.  The
    > habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
    >
    > In a mad rush for freedom  they bullied their way through the small
    > intestines,  forcing their way into the large intestines,  and  before
    > I could take one step in the direction of the  restrooms which would
    > bring sweet relief, it happened.  The peppers fired a warning shot.
    >
    > There I stood, alone in the  paint and stain section, suddenly
    > enveloped in a  noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been
    > recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of  this vile odor
    > might escape me.
    > Slowly, oh so slowly,  the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of
    > my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red
    > aproned clerk turned the corner and  asked if I needed any help. I
    > don't know what made me  do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction
    > would be  to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.  Have
    > you ever been torn in two different directions  emotionally? Here's
    > what I mean, and I'm sure some of  you at least will be  able to
    > relate. I could've warned  that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply
    > watched as he  walked into an invisible, and apparently
    > indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before
    > gathering his senses and running, was  to stand there blinking and
    > waving his arms about his  head as though trying to ward off angry
    > bees.. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me
    > laugh.. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
    >
    > Here's the thing. When you  laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
    > down', if you  know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive
    > issue burst forth from my nether region.. Some were so  loud and
    > echoing that I was later told a few folks in  other aisles had ducked,
    > fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
    > Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I  raced
    > off through  the store towards the restrooms,  laying down a cloud the
    > whole way, praying that I'd  make it before the grand mal assplosion
    > took place.  Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to
    > the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating  above the toilet
    > seat because my ass is burning SO  BAD, purging.
    > One poor fellow walked in while I was in  the middle of what is the
    > true meaning of 'Shock and  Awe' . He made a gagging sound, and
    > disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate
    > it?', then quickly left.
    >
    > Once finished and I left the  restroom, reacquired my partially filled
    > cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
    > approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want  to step outside for a
    > few minutes. It appears some  prankster set off a stink bomb in the
    > store. The  manager is going to run the  vent fans on high for a
    > minute or two which ought to take care of the  problem.' My smirking
    > of course set me off again,  causing residual gases to escape me. The
    > employee took  one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover
    > his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner  shouted, 'IT'S
    > YOU!', then ran off returning moments  later with the manager. I was
    > unceremoniously escorted  from the premises and asked none too kindly
    > not to  return. Home again without my supplies, I realized  that there
    > was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
    > The next day I went to shop  at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that
    > because we  are in court over the whole  matter.
    --deleted--s claim they're  going to have to repaint the  store..
     
     
  2. That is hilarious!!! It had my whole family laughing so hard we all cried! Thumbs Up
     
  3. daveomak

    daveomak Smoking Guru OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    I know that HAS to be a true story.... [​IMG]...
     
  4. smokinal

    smokinal Smoking Guru Staff Member Moderator OTBS Member ★ Lifetime Premier ★

    Hilarious!!!
     
  5. cdldriver

    cdldriver Meat Mopper

    You in court for passing gas? [​IMG]
     
  6. bigcase

    bigcase Smoke Blower

    Lmao thats funny, I got a buddy that can totally relate [​IMG]
     

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