For you aviation folks out there.....

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by smoke happens, Feb 21, 2013.

  1. smoke happens

    smoke happens Smoking Fanatic

    Here is a presentation of humorous exchanges between pilots and controllers. Pilots and aviation enthusiasts will relate to this exchange of clearances and comments!

    British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal. Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?'


    ATC: "Al Italia 345 continue taxi to 26L South via Tango - check for workers along taxiway."

    Al Italia 345: " Roger, Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working"


    Nova 851: "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15."

    Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851, Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06."


    Lost student pilot: " Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, please identify yourself."


    Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?

    Pilot: Yes.

    Tower: Yes what?

    Pilot: Yes, SIR!


    Frankfurt Control: 'AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.'

    Pilot: 'Roger, Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya.'

    Control: (a few moments later): 'AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 11/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.'

    Pilot: 'AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots'

    Control: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots'

    Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?'

    Control: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.'


    ATC: 'Cessna 123, What are your intentions?

    Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating.'

    ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes not years.'


    Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.

    Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.

    Controller: Oh, Oh, Shit! You have traffic!


    O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain 250 knots.

    USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?

    O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.

    USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.


    ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH, altimeter 1019.

    Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?

    ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH, altimeter 1019


    Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'

    Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center '


    Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.

    ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.


    Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big "E".

    Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.' (short pause)... Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean . Suggest you turn to the big "W" immediately ..'


    Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME.'

    Approach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'.'

    Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent rate.'

    Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?'

    Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours.'


    Tower: 'American...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach.'

    American: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right'


    Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)

    Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!' (pause)

    Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!'

    Pilot: 'Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!'


    BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'

    Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'

    BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!'

    Bay Approach: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.'


    Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?'

    Pilot: 'A340 of course!'

    Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?'


    Tower: 'Cessna 123, turn right now and report your heading.'

    Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...'


    Foreign Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit'


    Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'

    Pilot: 'More or less.'

    Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'


    Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.'

    Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'

    Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'

    Tower: 'Affirmative.'

    Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'

  2. z
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2013
  3. Loved the C-130 one. (among others)

    Can someone a pilot explain why this one is funny?


    Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'

    Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center '


    3,700 doesn seem that high. 
  4. poul d'eau

    poul d'eau Newbie

    Flight level is in hundreds of feet.  So FL 3750 = 375,000 feet.
  5. daveomak

    daveomak Smoking Guru OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    I learned something else today..... Love it.....
  6. I got this one in a e-mail a few weeks ago  enjoy,    [​IMG]

    Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

    Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am not in Iranian airspace, I am in Iraqi airspace.'

    Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

    Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

    Iranian Air Defense Radar: (no response .... total silence)
  7. lancer

    lancer Smoking Fanatic

    One of my favorites is an old Air Force one, a single engine fighter pilot calls the tower and asks for landing priority as the engine "is acting a might peaked".  He gets told he's number two in the pattern behind an eight engine B52 bomber with an engine out.  The reply, "Ahh, the dreaded 7 engine landing!"


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