For the men...this means war. (of the

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by beerivore, Jun 11, 2007.

  1. Wow! Looks like I'm doin' pretty good! 52 out of 54 ain't bad! (I don't know anything about decorating or being a stylist....[​IMG] )

    Shortrib, ya done good! [​IMG]
  2. Naw..... An even better way is... You just ask her sisters and/or some of her friends. [​IMG] There's ALWAYS females around her who make it a point to find out for themselves! [​IMG][​IMG]
  3. Just before closing on Friday evening, an obviously old fella goes into a reeeal fancy jewelery store with a 22 year old gal hangin' on his right arm, who looks like she just stepped out of the centerfold of Playboy. They go directly to the counter and the old fella summons the jeweler. He says to the jeweler, "I want something very special for my beautiful friend here. Do you think you have something very special to show her?" The jeweler says, "Why of course we have something very special for your lovely lady sir!"

    Instantly, the jeweler scoots off then quickly returns with a beautiful, one carat diamond ring. The young lady extends her hand and the jeweler slips the diamond ring on her finger. The girl oohs and aahs over the ring, cuddles the old fella, then gives him a big hug and kiss. "Oh thank you! It's soooo beautiful!", she says. The old fella asks the jeweler, "How much does that ring cost"? The jeweler replies, "The ring will cost you just 5000 dollars sir."

    The old fella says to the girl, "Why my dear, it IS very nice, but I want something very special for you!" He says to the jeweler, "My good man, I said "something special"! Although this ring IS beautiful, it costs just a paltry 5000 dollars. Do you think you can find something much more special for my beautiful friend?" The jeweler looks aghast, but says, "Why, 'er YES sir, I surely can find something much more special for the lovely young lady!".

    The jeweler retrieves the rejected ring from the young lady and scurries quickly away, returning a few minutes later. This time he brings a large, beautiful, deep royal blue, velvet covered and crested ring box. He opens the ring box for the couple and in it is a stunning, bejeweled ring, encrusted with large diamonds, rubies, sporting tri-colored gold fixtures and a thick gold band! The young lady gazes upon the ring and almost swoons! She tugs the old fella close as the jeweler ceremoniously removes the ring from the case and slips it on her finger. She is truly awestruck, nearly breathless., She sees that the ring is indeed incomparable, breathtaking, heavy and glitters like the stars in the universe. She is speechless but turns and gives the old fella an even BIGger hug and showers his face and bald head with kisses, leaving a trail of deep red lipstick where her lips have touched!

    The old fella asks the jeweler, "Sir, how much is this ring?" The jeweler says, "Sir, there is not another like it in the world, it is very special indeed! The ring will cost you 55,000 dollars! The old fella says, "Sir, this is the special thing that I was looking for! Something as special as my beautiful friend here. I will take it!"

    The jeweler says, "Very well sir, I can take your payment at the register." The old fella says, "Sir, I will pay with a check. I understand that we are dealing with a fair sum here, and that the bank is now closed. Therefore, I will leave my check with you, allowing you the opportunity to call the bank Monday morning to assure that the funds are available. We will return Monday and pick the ring up at about 4 PM." The jeweler says, "That will be fine sir!".

    Bright and early Monday morning, the jeweler calls the bank to make sure the money is in the old fella's account. The bank teller says to the jeweler, "Sir, there is less than two dollars in that account!". Infuriated, the jeweler hangs up and immediately dials the phone number on the old fella's check! The old fella answers the phone, sounding sleepy and just awakened. The jeweler says, "Sir! There MUST be some mistake, that account has less than two dollars in it!" The old fella says, "Yeah I know, but you wouldn't believe the weekend that I just had!!"

    One last trueism.... They don't know WHAT they want, but they know they want it ALL! [​IMG]
  4. deejaydebi

    deejaydebi Smoking Guru

    LOL - Can you imagine .... [​IMG]
  5. starsfaninco

    starsfaninco Smoking Fanatic OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    After a few weeks of Adam being by himself in the garden of Eden, he got lonely. So he went to God and asked for a companion. God said he would look into it and get back to him the next day. So the next day God went to Adam and said 'Here Adam, I can make a beautiful woman that cooks, irons, cleans, never complains and is pretty much just what you want, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg, what do you think' Adam thought for a few seconds and then asked 'what can I get for a rib?'
  6. starsfaninco

    starsfaninco Smoking Fanatic OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    A waiter took a bottle of Merlot to a woman in a fancy restaurant and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating a man accross the room. She regarded the wine cooly for a second without looking over at the man and decided to send a reply note. The waiter who was lingering for a response took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

    The note said...
    For me to accept the bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.

    After reading the note, the man decided to composee a note of his own. He swiftly wrote a reply and handed it to the waiter and instructed him to givie it to the woman.

    It read...
    For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a vintage Corvette Stingray, a BMW, and a Mercedes in my garage...and there is over 20 million dollars in my bank account. However not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.
  7. crewdawg52

    crewdawg52 Master of the Pit OTBS Member

    Several athletes are in line at the Olympics to register for their event. One of the men walks up to the judge with a pole in his hands and states "Pole Vaulting". The judge said "over there". Another guy walks up with a gun and states "shooting". The judge tells him to go to another place. A woman walks up with a roll of barbed wire under her arm. The judge looks curiously at her and asks, "What event are you in?" "Fencing!" she states! [​IMG]
  8. starsfaninco

    starsfaninco Smoking Fanatic OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    SO? Who won??
  9. squeezy

    squeezy Master of the Pit OTBS Member

    There will never be a clear cut winner ... I think the sexes are equally messed up!

    Vive la difference! [​IMG]
  10. deejaydebi

    deejaydebi Smoking Guru

    I think it has something to do with free will Squeezy!
  11. So, this a white flag??

    I am sure there is a joke about that...let me look......[​IMG]

    Lisa [​IMG]
  12. squeezy

    squeezy Master of the Pit OTBS Member

    I think not my dear!

    We don't surrender any more than a woman would admit defeat. [​IMG]

    Sometimes a truce is in order, just so we can rearm for the next offensive [​IMG][​IMG][​IMG]
  13. OK darlin :) a truce it is [​IMG]

    but I'll be watching you [​IMG]
  14. deejaydebi

    deejaydebi Smoking Guru

    Does that mean no more jokes? There's been some really funny ones!
  15. squeezy

    squeezy Master of the Pit OTBS Member

    It is much better to make love than war eh?

    in the meantime, we can kid the dickens out of each other [​IMG]

    ... so who has got a joke
  16. crewdawg52

    crewdawg52 Master of the Pit OTBS Member

    It ain't called a's a "lull" in the action so armies can regain strentgh, rearm, and be prepared for battle! [​IMG]
  17. smokincowboy

    smokincowboy Smoking Fanatic OTBS Member

    Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

    When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

    So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

    St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

    The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

    The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

    She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on - very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

    St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

    The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

    The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
  18. linescum

    linescum Smoking Fanatic OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    One for the girls
    A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

    Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

    The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."

    The husband replies, "What did he say about your 42-year old arse?"

    "Your name never came up," she replied
  19. blackhawk19

    blackhawk19 Master of the Pit OTBS Member

    I may be new around here but I know to try and stay neutral where
    women are stirred up, that's why I'm still married after 38yrs.
  20. vulcan75001

    vulcan75001 Smoking Fanatic OTBS Member


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