Accidently Tasered

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by rivet, Sep 19, 2009.

  1. rivet

    rivet Master of the Pit OTBS Member

    Great birthday gift idea… A pocket Taser….or so I thought.

    Last weekend I saw something at Loftis Jewelers & Pawn Shop that caught my eye.

    The occasion was a birthday. I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, the charming Mrs. Rivet. What I came across was a 1,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.

    Sounded good; she teaches at the University and in the winter after night classes, this could be handy!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing. I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; i'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Cool!

    I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot is on the face of the stove’s touch-control panel that we spent $300 to replace last year.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

    There I sat in my chair, my cat Olive looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Olive (for a fraction of a second) or her brother Dac (which she would have been very happy to see zapped) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat…all kindness and claws. Dac…well, he is our resident goofball; uncoordinated on his best days. Certainly not a fair target.

    Hmmm…. if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Right?

    So, there I sat in my favourite pair of shorts and tee-shirt with my glasses on my head, directions in one hand, and taser in another. I have 20-20 close-up vision, so my glasses go up on my head when I read, and come down when I really want to see.

    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient an assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make the assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

    Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, “no way!”

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

    I was sitting there alone, Olive looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, ' don't do it idiot,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...


    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over again.

    I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, chest on fire, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

    Important Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution : there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative….

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent glasses were on the woodstove. The chair was upside down and about 3 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and chest were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

    Apparently I did lose control of my bodily functions, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe was from my hair.

    Fortunately, I did get a chance to clean up and straighten up the room, since she had an evening class.
  2. gnubee

    gnubee Master of the Pit OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    Dude that is way beyond funny. Did you ever find the Cat, because I just know she left town.
  3. justsmoke2

    justsmoke2 Smoking Fanatic

    Sorry I can't respond til I stop crying from laughing so hard.
  4. dropastone

    dropastone Fire Starter

    [​IMG]You definatly get points for that my friend. That was soooooooooo funny. That was the funniest thing I heard all year. I had tears from laughing so hard. Hey but don't worry I'm laughing with you not at you [​IMG]
  5. rivet

    rivet Master of the Pit OTBS Member

    Olive finally came up from the basement hours later after lots of "here-kitty-kitty" and 9-Lives canned cat-salmon-food!
  6. the iceman

    the iceman Smoking Fanatic

    Oh sure. You tell a story that begs for Qveiw & there is none to be seen. [​IMG][​IMG]
  7. zopi

    zopi Smoke Blower

    I dare you to do it again.
  8. You might want to re-consider that gift if it was REALLY that bad. I am in law enforcement and carry a Taser International M26 and had to "take a ride on the lightening" before being approved to carry it. The M26 packs a 50,000 volt punch and is transmitted not between two prongs 1-2" apart, but between wherever the barbed probes hit their mark. In my case it was my upper right rear shoulder and lower right back. Yes, the pain is immeasurable, and you immediately fall to the ground. However, I never lost consciousness and felt basically like the wind had been knocked out of me once the shock stopped..........after its normal 5 second cycle.

    The device you describe should NOT serve to incapacitate anyone as it lacks the spread that the probes on the law enforcement model have. These probes widen the distance between the negative and postive poles and effect a larger area of the bad guy's body, thereby facilitating muscular incapacitation by disrupting the electrical impulses to those muscles. The M26 can also be used in the "drive-stun" mode, without a probe-firing cartridge and acts much like the stun-gun you describe. In this mode however, it does nothing beyond causing pain to the affected area, it will not physically incapacitate someone and it definitely will not cause someone to lose consciousness or any recollection of the events. I should know, I have used it many times :)

    You might want to get that thing checked out, as it is definitely not functioning as it should if it delivered the results which you describe. The "stun guns" of Hollywood which deliver a quick shock and immediately cause unconsciousness are just that........Hollywood.
  9. jlmacc

    jlmacc Meat Mopper

    Thank you!That was the funniest thing I have heard in awhile.Funny how we laugh at other people's pain,LOL...Good stuff[​IMG]
  10. ronp

    ronp Smoking Guru OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    That was funny. I needed a good laugh.
  11. rio_grande

    rio_grande Smoking Fanatic

    Rivet brother,,, was it really that bad,,,, I have been hit over 20 times with a 50,000v real deal and it was about like that without the loss of awarness. I was verry aware durring every trip and it sucked...

  12. bmudd14474

    bmudd14474 Smoking Guru Staff Member Administrator Group Lead OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    First off I would like to say im glad your ok. Second I had issues replying to this thread because of the tears in my eyes. My wife and kids thought I lost my mind because I was turning red and laughing so hard. [​IMG]
  13. erain

    erain Master of the Pit OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    dang Rio i knew it was something, now we all know!!! lol John, sounds like you got quite the tase there!!!
  14. shooterrick

    shooterrick Master of the Pit Group Lead OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    My friend, what can I say. Sandy and I are LMAO. One thing. You should have just did it to a pork butt and see how it twitched. From the sounds of things it would be Qed in no time. lol
  15. ddave

    ddave Master of the Pit OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    Aw, c'mon. You didn't have the presence of mind to start the video camera BEFORE to did that?? That would have been YouTube GOLD, man.[​IMG]

    Seriously though, I'm glad your okay and can joke about it.[​IMG]

    Experience is the best teacher isn't it.

  16. erain

    erain Master of the Pit OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    wonder what the long term effects would be say on a brisky, maybe while the low and slow is going on a little tase action to get the muscle working to help work the juices.... ya i know its reaching and getting deep!!!!
  17. This seems to be a common problem. This exact same thing has happened to several other persons...well, with different names of the store and names and quantities of cats.

    Google Results for Pocket Taser
  18. beer-b-q

    beer-b-q Smoking Guru OTBS Member

    Hey guys it is a joke that has been circulating the net for years, that is why he posted it in the jokes section... It is still funny each time I read it though.[​IMG]
  19. forluvofsmoke

    forluvofsmoke Smoking Guru OTBS Member

    Ooooooh CRAP!!!!!!!!!

    I had to wipe the tears from my eyes so I could see to type a reply! Friggin hilarious! To the point that I had could only read one line at a time on the last dozen or so lines.

    We (me & fam) are all sitting here thinking that you must have alot of (maybe too much) time on your hands?!?!?! LOL!

    That's the hardest, deepest, most uncontrollable laugh I've had in a LONG time...... Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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